It's Friday night, and there's a rematch of the terrible 2006 Grey Cup. How could we not live blog it? Let the field goals begin!

First Quarter

0:55 Why isn’t Mark Estelle wearing a black arm band in honour of Estelle Getty? For shame.

1:42 Geroy Simon breaks the Lions’ all-time receiving mark, previously held by Jim "Dirty 30" Young. Dirty 30 appears on the sidelines, showing off the "dirty" physique Geroy can look forward to in 30 years. 

2:37 Chris Cuthbert tells us that the Lions have "come under pressure" from Diamond Ferri. Really, who hasn't?

2:58 Honestly, how is Coors Light still selling its product on the basis that it’s the coldest beer? How are people buying this?

3:45 Avon Cobourne breaks a huge run then gets knocked over when teammate Jamel Richardson tries too vigourosly to do a chest bump. We didn't think that sort of thing would happen with Etienne Boulay off the team.

5:06 Cobourne continues to chew through the Lions' defence. Maybe the Als should have tried running the ball in previous games.

5:35 Touchdown Als. This is shaping up to be a much better game than usual for these diaries. But Adrian McPherson, who just turned up for the 1-yard plunge, is really screwing up people who took Avon Cobourne in their pools.

5:35 Is it just us, or does Als' coach Mark Trestman looks suspiciously like Tom Higgins? Judge Doom lives!

5:45 We just noticed that "Dirty 30" has a name tag with his name on it. Apparently the Lions were out of sideline passes,or else he's going to some sort of singles' night after the game.

8:34 Cuthburt and Glen Suitor have used the term “self-scouting” three times so far this game. This is otherwise known as practice or watching film or coming up with a game plan. Self-scouting... well, it just sounds dirty.

10:45 Kerry Watkins is on the receiving end of a Calvillo touchdown toss after a highly dubious roughing-the-kicker call on a missed field goal – then slinks around the end zone doing the “Jump On It” dance while a pair of linemen stand around

12:20 Cuthbert tells us that with a blocked convert (!), Barron Miles tied Gerald Vaughn for “the record”. No word on what that record was. Trying to find something on Gerald Vaughn, the first Google hit is for an agricultural real estate agent in the UK. We’ll assume Miles has tied the record for most commissions in June. Congrats!

13:30 Tad Crawford on the tackle for the Lions. Nice that he could take time out from his day job of being an 80s movie villain.

2^nd Quarter:

0:00 Why does Cuthburt wear the headset so far forward? It’s more like a faceset! (Oh, snap!)

0:00 Suitor informs us that Montreal hired “a football man” in Trestman. Better than Jim Popp’s original choice of a stripper. (Possibly Diamond Ferri.)

0:33 Instead of showing us the play, we get an extended Geroy Simon graphic. At least we now know what Geroy looks like when talking on a cell phone.

0:38 Rufus Skillern on the catch. Sounds like a in character in a Rodney Dangerfield movie. Bet he’s a good diver.

1:28 After Mark Estelle breaks up a Paris Jackson catch, we’re informed that “it’s his birthday”. No mention of whose birthday it is. Come on, to whom do we send this delicious birthday cupcake? And when will Diamond Ferri burst out of a cake?

2:00 Sara Orlesky informs us that Joe Smith is known to be a man who “beats to his own drum”. At least now we know what he was doing in those weeks when he wasn’t attending the games.

4:02 We’re treated to another one of those “profiles” that features Anthony Calvillo pointing at things and tossing a ball around. Do they do these for non-QBs or star offensive players? Does Paul McCallum’s feature him shoveling manure from in front of his house?

12:00 There appears to be a drunk-looking pelican in a ferry boat in the end zone. It looks kind of like one of the Winnipeg mascots, so we can only assume he's moved out west. If you're his friend, stand by for insufferable phone calls telling you  how great Vancouver is.

12:58 Rufus Skillern drops a pass. He gets no respect. No respect at all.

13:21 In a fantastic interview clip, Joe Smith tells us the following: “Joe does things that make Joe happy. I’m not really trying to please other people. When I please myself I go out I know my assignments and do my job well. That’s pleasing myself. If it happens to please other people so be it.” OK, we’re just going to say it: Joe Smith obviously did not spend last week’s game gardening. He was clearly spending a lot of time “beating to his own drummer”.

13:25 Suitor points out that Joe really has to please his head coach. A disturbing peak inside the workings of the Lions - or, as we like to call it, "Wally Buono's casting couch.” (Yes, we’re 15 years old.)

Halftime

Jock Clime breaks the paramount “don’t mention Matt Dunigan’s coaching career" rule by asking how he handled injured players. Remember, much like the John Huard era, Matt’s coaching days never happened.

3^rd Quarter

0:00 We start the quarter with a 30-second shot of Wally Buono gazing downfield, winking, spitting and looking like he just smelled something bad. It's amazing how long 30 seconds can feel.

5:24 The Als very efficiently move down the field for another TD and a 24-6 lead. This was unexpected.

6:06 While talking about how the Lions DBs were praising Mark Estelle, Suitor exclaims “OK I’m gonna watch this guy on the corner.” Does that not kind of imply that despite the fact that he’s been in the league for at least three years, the #1 colour commentator in the league hasn’t really ever noticed that Estelle existed?

7:19 Murray Clarke goes under the hood to review a fumble. He’s been in there for about 5 minutes, leading to the obvious suspicion that he's watching some sort of porn in there. If Joe Smith joins him, we'll know for sure.

10:55 Joe Smith signs the football he just scored a TD with and throws it into the crowd. But he didn’t attend the last two Lions games, so he’s clearly a jerk.

14:48 Ian Smart takes a kickoff 92 yards for another Lions TD, and we’ve got a game. This is something of a rarity when we do these things.

4^th Quarter

3:00 Paris Jackson scores to take the lead for the Lions. Seems to us that the Als are great off the top running scripted plays, but have no idea each week how to adapt to other teams' adjustments.

3:43 Brian Bratton scores a long TD to reclaim the lead for the Als. Let that be the last time we attempt to offer something resembling serious analysis.

7:57 Chip Cox tries to bust through the Lions' line, but is Cox blocked by Angus Reid.

12:28 The two teams exchange interceptions as an entertaining game suddenly turns into the Timmy Chang Bowl.

13:36 The Lions bring out "the elephant team." Sharon, Lois and Bram are nowhere to be found.

14:15 In direct defiance of Suitor, BC has passed on almost every play on this last drive, as opposed to “running out the clock” (despite trailing).

14:24 With two consecutive penalties, the Lions appear to be beginning a Steven Page-esque self-destruction.

0:00 On a McCallum field goal, the Lions win. But wait - "Glen's Gladiator" is now just "the Friday Night Gladiator"? Having now lost both is mustache and his Gladiator, we have no idea how Glen Suitor goes on.

5:21 - The Riders have taken the field in their throwback jerseys, presumably in tribute to the last time they hosted a playoff game.

5:23 - With their first play from scrimmage, the Riders score a 62-yard touchdown. And the entire province of Saskatchewan just exploded.

5:27 - After the Stamps fumble on their first possession, Tom Higgins is seen scribbling frantically on a piece of paper. We can only assume it’s a job application.

5:30 - Someone named Ken Lazaruk is refereeing this game. The CBC claims he’s been doing this for 31 years, and we’re pretty sure we’ve never seen him before. What have they done with Andre Proulx?

5:33 - Wait, Duncan O’Mahoney is the Stamps punter. Who knew? We’re pretty sure we made fun of him sometime earlier, but honestly that’s starting to seem like a lifetime ago. All that brisket makes it hard to think.

5:51 - Channeling Timmy Chang, Henry Burris gets picked off in the end zone. Actually, we take that back. Timmy probably wouldn’t have gotten them over half.

5:52 - Speaking of the Ticats, Corey Holmes goes for a big gain. Is Marcel Desjardins getting part of the Riders playoff share?

5:55 - D.J. Flick’s player profile from the CBC shows him plugging his ears. Apparently the air pressure in the studio is wildly unpredictable

6:05 - Something really needs to be done about commentators referring to passes as "balls." The latest offender is Chris Walby, who informs us that the wind will really make your balls sail.

6:06 - At what point does Wendy’s release how many angioplasties (the official operation of the CFL) have been caused by the Baconator (the official hamburger of the CFL) has caused?

6:07 - Speaking of angioplasties… 2 pounds of brisket left

6:10 - The Riders have marched from the 1-yard-line to midfield. Maybe firing the defensive co-ordinator late in the season wasn’t quite as brilliant as it seemed at the time.

6:26 - The Riders successfull pull off a fake field goal, catching the Stamps off-guard. Who knew fake field goals could be used outside blowouts?

6:29 - With a brilliant interception and a lateral, the Stamps take it all the way to the house and make a game of it. Only one problem: no touchdown celebration. Couldn’t they have pretended to be driving a combine?

6:37 - After he gets a 20-yard gain, Walby informs us that the Stamps forgot about FB Neil Hughes. We have it on good authority that they also forgot about Dre.

6:44 - Duncan O’Mahony shanks a punt with the wind at his back. Over/under on O’Mahony’s average punt… 20.5

6:46 - Thank goodness that the Mark’s Work Warehouse ads on the sidelines are also in French. Jean-Luc from Moose Jaw is finally appeased.

6:48 - It’s only a 12-point game, but it really doesn’t feel like the Stamps have been in this at all. You get the impression that Gainer could go for 50 yards on the Stamps D right about now. At the half, it’s 19-7.

7:03 - Apparently the Stamps ran Joffrey Reynolds once. Not only is Kent Austin doing a good job coaching the Riders; he somehow tricked Calgary into adopting his 2006 offensive strategy. All they need is Ricky Williams to go in and do some blocking.

7:08 - A pass from Henry Burris knocks Brett Ralph pathetically to the turf, prompting Mark Lee to say he “went down like he was shot.” When Mark Lee is scoring off you, you’ve got problems.

7:11 - Henry Burris finds Ken-yon Rambo deep for Calgary’s first offensive touchdown. Ken-Yon kind of sounds like a crappy Ford SUV, doesn’t it? (You thought we were going to make a Rambo joke, didn’t you? Well, so did we. But then we realized that between us, none of the three people in the room has ever actually watched a Rambo movie.)

7:26 - Luca Congi hits his fifth field goal of the game, making it 22-14. This is turning into a replay of last year’s kick-happy Grey Cup. Whither Nelly (and Saukrates)?

7:35 - The Stamps block a punt, bringing back horrible, horrible memories of the completely unwatchable 2001 Grey Cup.

7:36 - Mark Lee describes Burris as “strung out,” which might explain why his eyes have looked so red all game.

7:38 - This game is worth watching for the Tom Higgins shots alone. After the Stamps are forced to settle for a field goal, he has the distinct look of a man whose ass cheeks have been frozen shut.

7:48 - Ken Lazorek has left the game, forcing Murray Clarke to take over as head referee. This was supposedly prompted by an injury, but we’re pretty sure the CFL just figured out that Lazorek was just some guy off the street with a fake CV.

7:51 - Lazorek is back. So basically, he needed a bathroom break.

7:57 - Cutting to a commercial, the CBC shows a homemade sign announcing it’s “Grey Cup or bust,” accompanied by a helpful drawing of breasts in a green bra. This would presumably qualify as porn if you live on the Prairies.

8:05 - After a horrible objectionable conduct call against Corey Holmes, an angry hedgehog has appeared on the sidelines, where he appears to be asking local police to arrest Lazorek (or at least bar him from using the bathroom again).

8:11 - Down by nine points with five minutes left, Rambo looks for a pass interference call and doesn’t get it. How’s this possible? He is the law! (We know, that’s from Judge Dredd, not Rambo. But we’ve actually seen Judge Dredd, for some reason.)

8:24 - Still down by nine, with 80 seconds left, the Stamps are slowly marching down the field with a bunch of eight-yard screen passes. Nice to see Burris is going with the Damon Allen method of improving your stat sheet.

8:25 - Burris hits a bomb to Rambo, then finds him in the end zone. We’re waiting for a shot of an ecstatic Estelle Gettyon the sidelines. (C’mon…Stop Or My Mom Will Shoot? Classic film. Classic.)

8:29 - Calgary has a successful onside kick called back over a mysterious offside penalty. Considering we didn’t see anyone actually go offside, we’re pretty sure this was just to prevent the entire province of Saskatchewan from sinking into the ground.

8:31 - And…we’re done. To cap things off, the CBC’s sideline reporter is set to interview Corey Holmes…and he’s promptly cut off as the broadcast ends. If you’re the reporter, do you pretend to interview Holmes anyway, just so he doesn’t feel bad?

It's divisional semi-final day, and we’ve got a fridge full of beer, five pounds of brisket and a Jim Popp troll doll. It's time for roughly seven hours of football, in which he shall amuse ourselves in order to distract from the heartburn - and document it for when you have way, way too much time to kill at work.

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1:31 – If you had thirty seconds in the “How long will it take before someone mentions that this could be Milt Stegall last game” pool, congratulations!

1:35 – Troy Westwood is going to be handling both the kicking and punting duties for the Bombers today. And somewhere, Duncan O’Mahony is excited that someone might make his '04 Grey Cup performance look good.

1:37 – A.J. Gass is on the CBC panel today. No word on if Greg Frers and Daved Benefield are wearing cups. But kudos to the CBC on finding someone who talks even more slowly than Sean Millington.

1:39 – Was it really necessary for the CBC to inform us that we are watching the “Chunky” pre game show while showing a shot of Brian Chiu?

1:52 - A tailgater is shown outside Canad Inns wearing a Labatt Lite t-shirt. Is Labatt Lite even available outside Winnipeg?

1:54 - How pissed off is Rob Hitchcock that Gass – who currently appears to have his hands down his pants – got the nod over him for this?

1:57 - Asked for his pick in the East Semi-Final, David Bennefield goes with NCAA 1-AA school Cal State-Northridge. Man, we’re gonna miss this CBC panel.

2:02 - We look forward to the inevitable Mark Spector column on how the 40,000-odd Torontonians who go to the East Final don’t care about the CFL as much as the handful of Winnipeggers who bothered to show up today.

2:04 - It’s gametime, which can only mean one thing: Mark Estelle and Ben Cahoon are jockeying for prime ass-warming position in front of the sideline heater.

2:05 - Sweet – it’s a Steve Armitage game. To start things off, he can’t remember the name of Jarrett Payton’s father. (And no, it’s not Elfrid Payton.) If Jerome was the son of a legendary diver, Armitage totally would’ve nailed that.

2:09 - Nice opening return by Bashir Levingston, who the Als apparently wanted to bring in for weeks before they finally got him. Presumably he had to give two weeks notice at Rona.

2:16 - After a Stegall touchdown on Winnipeg’s first drive, we’re thinking the Als’ main role in this game may be to try to injure some Bombers before next week. Where’s Ed Philion when we need him?

2:26 - After a short pickup, Milt Stegall is smothered by Cox. (Sorry…we couldn’t resist.)

2:28 - A French sideline ad blows onto the field in the middle of a play. The Als are really pulling out all the stops here.

2:45 - Somewhere, Jack Todd’s head is about to explode. With third and goal from inside the one, the Als send out the field goal team. Then they take a timeout. Then Jim Popp stands there looking confused while Marcus Brady and Bryan Chiu debate whether to go for it. Then they do go for it, but instead of having Brady dive in they hand it backwards and get stuffed.

2:55 - After an amazing scramble and 40-yard pass to Matthew Deslauriers, it has to be said that Marcus Brady is playing pretty well. Except now they’re at the 1-yard line again.

2:58 - Touchdown Kerry Carter. And we actually have a game.

3:03 - In comes Troy Westwood to punt into a 50 KM/H wind. There’s a decent chance this one actually goes backward.

3:12 - In other news, the Buffalo Bills are currently late in the third quarter of a 3-2 barnburner with the Miami Dolphins. Where do we get our tickets for next year?

3:14 - Diamond Ferri gets his first tackle of the game. It’s nice to see a guy who wasn't afraid to give up his stripper name when he got a new job.

3:15 - Westwood hits a field goal to make it 10-7, disappointing those of us who were looking forward to seeing Doug Berry’s face if he missed.

3:18 - Kerry Watkins catches a 10-yard pass…and somehow takes off unimpeded for a 65-yard-touchdown. The Bombers’ defence looked almost Maciociaesque on that one.

3:23 - The Bombers sensibly concede a safety rather than have Westwood punt from the end zone…prompting Armitage to reveal that he thinks a safety is worth one point. At this point, the CBC might as well bring in Bob Cole to call this thing.

3:28 - The Bombers are booed off the field to end the half, although it would be louder if there was anyone there. Seriously, these people live in Winnipeg. They can’t handle a bit of wind?

3:29 - Jim Popp looks caught off guard when queried by Brenda Irving as to what he’ll say to the Als at halftime. We’re guessing that until she said that, he was planning to spend halftime smoking a joint in his hummer.

3:50 - CBC shows a shot of Kerry Watkins talking intently into a phone with the look of a man working hard to close a deal. Is Watkins really so poorly paid that he has to work as a telemarketer during games?

3:55 - Kudos to Jim Popp for showing his love for his distinct province by dressing like Bonhomme.

3:59 - After losing a crucial challenge, the Bombers take a 10-yard penalty and appear to be self-destructing. You don’t often see this sort of meltdown on the field without Adriano Belli being involved.

4:00 - Update: Four pounds of brisket to go.

4:01 - Marcus Brady appears to be hurt. Could every Argo fan’s dream be realized? Could they really be facing a team led by Mr. Big-Eared Fellow in the East final?

4:06 - Kevin Glenn gets picked off. Brian Ah-Yat, a Bomber nation turns its lonely eyes to you

4:07 - Is it possible that Jim Popp is actually a coaching genius who saved all his best plays for the playoffs? As we see him adjust his hair under his hat for about the twelfth time this game, we’re going to go with a no on that one.

4:09 - Kerry Watkins hates dropping the ball. You know what else he hates? Dropped cell phone calls. Which is why if you call him now, he’ll switch you over to Rogers, which has the fewest dropped calls in the country.

4:13 - Touchdown Charles Roberts. And this officially becomes the best game we’ve ever done one of these diaries for, not that that's saying much.

4:19 - Khari Jones now appears to be openly cheering for the Bombers.

4:29 - With the Als driving, Watkins is up to 157 receiving yards. And he’s sold three cell phone plans.

4:39 - Now there’s a lonely pom-pom flying across the field. If the wind also blew the cheerleader straight out of the stadium, that’s actually quite a haunting image.

4:41 - After Brady is picked off on his own side of the field, the Bombers have to settle for a field goal. Which means that even after the turnover, Marcus friggin’ Brady is still outplaying the East Division’s nominee for Most Outstanding Player.

4:47 - After another shot of Jim Popp’s ensemble, we’re starting to suspect the Als are winning because Don Matthews is hiding inside Popp’s clothes.

4:51 - With the wind at his back and a two-point deficit to overcome with 5:00 left, Westwood misses a 37-yard field goal. Oh, Little Hawk, why have the mighty spirits clipped your wings?

4:57 - Damon Duval shanks a punt with less than three minutes left. Time for Larry Smith’s daughter to complain to the commissioner that the wind is being mean to her husband.

5:05 - With the game on the line as the Als try to keep the ball on 3^rd and 1, the CBC’s cameras pay tribute to the Blair Witch Project.

5:06 - Yet again, the Als get stuffed. Is Little Hawk about to make an encore appearance?

5:12 - Here he is, in what Armitage describes as a “fantasy ending”…and it’s good! Bombers win! The CBC had better hurry up and interview Jim Popp in his remaining three and a half minutes as coach.

5:14 - With the East Semifinal in the books, you’ll be pleased to know you’re only 50% of the way through reading this.

To be continued... 

It’s Saturday night, we’re gathered at Rusty’s sparkling new digs and we’re feeling optimistic. We’ve picked a decent enough matchup that this might become our first-ever diary of a halfway watchable game. And if not, it’s the first time we’ve done a CBC game, which should offer some fresh material. On the downside, if things get boring we won’t be able to fall back on jokes about Rod Black’s balls...or will we?

***

7:01 PM - Our broadcast team is…Steve Armitage and Khari Jones? Seriously? With only a few games left until CBC gives up its CFL broadcast rights, we’re pretty sure they’ve just given up.

7:03 - Khari is having all kinds of trouble reading through his game notes. But on the topic of holding onto the football, he does manage to tell us that Henry Burris has to “cuddle his baby.”

7:06 - We like Khari. But we’re still pretty sure he hasn’t actually uttered a complete sentence without stumbling halfway through. By the end of this game, Chris Zelkovich’s head is going to explode.

7:11 - At linebacker for the Stamps tonight, a rooster.

7:16 - Javier Glatt drops what should have been an easy interception. This guy really needs to get his head in the game and off delicious, delicious Subway turkey and ham sandwiches.

7:19 - Rob Murphy takes a 15-yard penalty, prompting an uncharacteristically concise assessment from Khari: “I don’t think he feels comfortable until he gets his first 15-yarder of the night.” So basically, he’s the offensive equivalent of Mike O’Shea.

7:23 - With nothing much having happened so far in the game, Armitage gets exuberant over a “goooooooood punt.” Usually he doesn’t get that excited unless there’s no splash off a 720-backwards pipe from the 10 foot tower.” (Yeah, we have no idea what that means either. It’s a diving joke, okay? Armitage calls a lot of diving. So that’s why it’s funny.)

7:26 - B.C. gets a safety courtesy the beloved “dancing punter.”

7:27 - So far in this commercial break, we’ve had ads for Crystal Light and Philadelphia Light Cream Cheese. CBC really knows its audience.

7:30 - Even though Buck Pierce shows no signs of coming out of the game, sideline reporter Brenda Irving informs us that Jurious Jackson is wearing his helmet and warming up on the sidelines. So now we know who Damon Allen has been mentoring.

7:32 - Anyone who turned on the TV just as CBC cut to shots of a grinning Buck Pierce folding his arms to throbbing techno beats would have thought they’d tuned into the opening of a gay porn flick.

7:35 - After a B.C. field goal, Armitage introduces us to the “third member” of the broadcast team, the lamentable Greg Frers. This must make Brenda Irving feel especially good.

7:41 - Pierce is incomplete to Geroy Simon. Cholesterol on the coverage.

7:42 - A Stamps interception is called back on a pass interference flag thrown roughly 18 minutes after the catch.

7:43 - A potential touchdown pass goes off the fingertips of Jason Clermont, prompting Armitage to call him out. And so continues the greatest personal feud in Canadian football, still burning nearly three years after Armitage’s infamous “So, is this what you always dreamed of” question after the Lions lost the Grey Cup in ’04.

7:45 - At the end of the first quarter, it’s 5-0 Lions. The Stamps have 14 yards of offence. Sweet Jesus, it’s happening again.

7:47 - Paul McCallum makes it 8-0.

7:51 - Armitage just referred to Nik Lewis as “the out man.” Nik Lewis is not going to like that.

7:52 - A Burris pump fake doesn’t fool the Lions, but it does confuse CBC’s camera guy.

7:53 - The Stamps are on the board, courtesy a field goal. By game diay standards, this now officially qualifies as a shootout.

7:56 - Khari Jones lauds Buck Pierce’s ability to “make it happen” when he “sees a hole.” Please direct your attention to our entry at 7:32.

8:02 - Cedric Williams dives to knock down what would have been a B.C. touchdown. It’s a great play, but sadly Armitage clearly has no idea what Williams' first name is.

8:05 - The Lions, already in Grey Cup form, get another field goal.

8:08 - Armitage gets so excited about a Burris play, we’re pretty sure Hank’s on pace to break the record for the 1,500-metre breaststroke. (Armitage also calls a lot of swimming.)

8:13 - We’ve reached the 3-minute warning. Will we see a touchdown this half?

8:17 - Someone named Rob Cote takes it home for the Stamps. We have no idea who that is, but we’d like to thank him for doing something.

8:25 - In a transparent attempt to promote CBC’s Wind at My Back, Armitage tells us that the wind is at Paul McCallum’s back.

8:26 - Oh no…Armitage is somehow talking about Posh Spice. This would only be more awkward if he followed up with a hearty “Yeah, I’d hit it.”

8:27 - Burris carelessly fumbles with a minute left in the half. Is that any way to cuddle your baby, Hank?

8:28 - Chad Mock catches a Pierce pass, then somehow ends the play on the sidelines with an electrical cord wrapped around his neck. So basically, he’s the Michael Hutchence of the CFL.

8:31 - Pierce is picked off. Presumably Jarious Jackson will now begin simulating entire plays on the sideline.

8:42 - We're at the half, after a missed Calgary field goal, and there’s really nothing for us to say about CBC’s halftime panel. It’s not good. It’s not bad. It’s just kind of there.

8:51 - At the start of the second half, Armitage informs us Buck Pierce has gone back to the locker room. Time for some fluffing?

8:57 - Another botched Calgary field goal, this time when it's blocked. Apparently these guys are only adept at running fakes.

9:01 - Fresh into the game, Jarious Jackson finds Geroy Simon in the end zone. We smell controversy. Oh, wait. That’s just the lingering stench of Mike McMahon.

9:06 - This game would be so much better if there was a special Armitage Cam at the bottom of the screen. What can we say? We love the intensity.

9:12 - Korey Banks komes up with a krazy katch as he picks off Burris in the end zone. (Sorry...we're struggling for content here.)

9:14 - Armitage just described Joe Smith as “no ordinary Joe.” Were you sitting on that gem all game, Steve?

9:16 - No ordinary Joe busts out for a 38-yard touchdown run. 25-11 Lions.

9:19 - For the first time in history, a football play-by-play man just used the words “oopsie daisy.”

9:20 - We just spent a solid minute debating whether it’s “oopsie” or “oopsy.” Cast your votes now!

9:30 - Okay, this mysterious Celebrex ad is starting to freak us out. What the hell is Celebrex, and why do we need to talk to our doctor about it?

9:31 - Our research reveals that Celebrex is to relieve osteoarthritis. Good to see advertisers going for the key Damon Allen demographic.

9:40 - The three remaining healthy BC defenders are able to knock away a Burris pass, forcing the Stamps to try for the field goal. Hey, this might be a great place to try a fake. But no worries...it was totally worth burning it off last week.

9:43 - So after the Philadelphia light cream cheese and Crystal Light ads earlier, we now get a Jenny Craig ad starring Kirstie Alley. We know there are lots of middle-aged women tuning in to catch a glimpse of Wally Buono, but still, this is getting ridiculous.

9:44 - Running all over the place, Jarious Jackson is showing up the Stamps D-Line more than Frank D’Angelo shows up his hecklers.

9:46 - Switching over to A-Channel during the break, we see highlights from Jason Maas’ last game. Oh, wait... that’s just Footsteps Falco.

9:48 - Once again, Hank Burris fumbles fails to “cuddle his baby,” resulting in another costly fumble. For the rest of the week, Higgins is going to force him to walk around with a bag of flour.

9:53 - Touchdown Calgary. A close finish here would totally blow our minds.

9:53 - Calgary is down by five, so naturally they decline to go for two. Tom Higgins is not the master tactician we once thought he was.

9:57 - Jarious Jackson hasn’t looked as good the last couple of series. Is Buck Pierce sufficiently fluffed?

9:59 - Hank Burris is picked off by someone named Glover, who we hear is only a few days away from retirement. He nearly takes it to the end zone, but he’s getting too old for this shit.

10:01 - B.C. scores again, and so ends the dream of something exciting to tell you about.

10:04 - We enjoy that the scoreboard at McMahon Stadium notes the “Official Time” left in the game. This is to distinguish it from all of the unofficial time signs held up throughout the stadium.

10:08 - Out of nowhere, a very loud “AWWW SHIT!” comes over the broadcast. We're assuming Armitage is finally going postal, and that was someone trying to get out of the way.

10:14 - Why doesn’t Wally Buono buy himself some sunglasses? It seems like he spends a good portion of every road game shielding himself from the sun like a confused bear. (Note: Believe it or not, this is one game where we haven't been drinking. Maybe that's the problem.

10:18 - And so we end the game with a final score of B.C. 32, Calgary 27. Not a bad first CBC game for us, but we miss the familiarity of TSN. If we ever, ever refer to any part of Steve Armitage's anatomy, please contact our service provider forthwith and have this thing taken down.

So, what are you doing on the Friday night of a long weekend? Because us, we're sitting around Camp Rusty drinking beer, eating Swiss Chalet and watching the Week 1 showdown between the Roughriders and the Alouettes. Two swinging guys, we are, and courtesy of the year's first game diary you're along for the ride.

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7:04 - Other sports broadcasts have sideline reporters like Melissa Stark or Erin Andrews... Friday Night Football has Danny Mac. And yes, he still makes us jump, jump.

7:06 - When did Matt Dunigan develop a stutter? Deep breath, Matt. Deep breath.

7:07 - The Kent Austin love-in begins. Contrary to all the available evidence, the TSN panel wants us to know that he's perfectly happy to run the ball.

7:12 - Ooohhh, a Brian Williams interview. We don't really consider it football season until we've seen at least five shots of Williams nodding pensively while his subject rambles. In this case it's Mark Cohon, whose main requirement for the commissioner's job appears to be that he looks like John Tory's kid brother.

7:14 - Wait...two Brian Williams interviews? Now he's talking to David Stern about Cohon...and nodding pensively.

7:15 - Hold on...three Brian Williams interviews? Bob Young, step on up. 

7:16 - Four Brian Williams interviews? This is starting to look like a Behind the Music episode. All we need now is for the one-armed drummer from Def Leppard to turn up and credit Mark Cohon with saving his life.

7:17 - As the montage ends, we're back to Brian Williams live from Molson Stadium...who's still watching his Behind the Music episode on a monitor. Actually, he's not just watching - he's shaking his head with the sort of grin that says "Brian, you magnificent bastard, you've done it again."

7:23 - Ah, Out of Bounds - the feature clearly dreamed up by whoever signed off on this massive studio to justify its costs. Put Dunigan in one corner of the studio, Climie in another, Schultz in a third...and presto, you've got TV magic.

7:33 - Tonight's TSN poll: Who's the best Canadian receiver in the league? Our candidates: Jason Clermont, Ben Cahoon and...Andy Fantuz? Time to begin our write-in campaign for Andre Talbot.

7:38 - We're ready for kickoff...and so is Jim Popp's luxurious hair.

7:40 - Beautiful catch by Jason Armstead. And luckily, Jake Ireland isn't around to call a holding penalty.

7:48 - Someone named Mike Imoh (pronounced "Emo") is running all over the 'Riders. And every time Suitor says his name, we expect some moody kid with a bad haircut to walk into the huddle.

7:51 - Already in Grey Cup form, Anthony Calvillo is intercepted in the end zone.

7:54 - After their second possession of the game, the 'Riders have still yet to run the ball. The balanced attack is in full effect.

7:56 - How bad a beer is Coors Light that they're trying to sell it on the basis that it's colder than other beers? Watch for Steelback to counter with its campaign to make its beer the warmest beer you can buy. Which of course would make it even more delicious.

7:59 - Calvillo is sacked...we think. It's hard to tell for sure, because TSN was showing a pan shot of the entire stadium. Finally, we can experience what it's like to watch the game from the rooftop of a nearby building.

8:07 - Glen Suitor wants all you kids out there to follow Ben Cahoon's lead by investing in some sort of contraption that flings balls at you at an extremely high speed. If you can't afford that, kids, just have your friends fling their own balls at you. Or give Rod Black a call.

8:11 - End of the first quarter, and it's a scoreless tie. We should really warn fans before we liveblog games so they don't waste their Friday nights.

8:12 - "Etienne Boulay shows Blitz..." Why are you stopping, Cuthbert? We want to know what he showed Blitz, although this being Etienne Boulay we can probably guess.

8:16 - Kent Austin's balanced offensive unit currently has 10 rushing yards, most of which we're pretty sure came from Kerry Joseph

8:32 - We don't mean to pick on Glen Suitor too much, at least this early in the season. But after a running play from Imoh goes nowhere, he decides to make his second point about Dave Mudge's awesomeness in two plays. Why not explain why the running play didn't work?

8:38 - It's starting to rain at Molson stadium. Luckily Danny Mac isn't in a white t-shirt.

8:39 - Uh-oh. With the rain, the Riders are going to have to run the ball. Kent Austin's biggest foe: rain

8:39 - TSN cuts to the Als cheerleaders in the rain. An admirable decision.

8:43 - It's really hard to watch football in the rain without thinking about the opening scene from The Last Boyscout. Good thing Robert Baker didn't sign with either of these teams.

8:56 - That Emo kid is running the ball again for Montreal.  If they keep hitting him like this, they're going to smudge his eyeliner.

8:58 - Jim Popp appears to have pulled his hood up to avoid messing up his hair.

8:58 - We're at the half and it's a 6-2 barnburner. By our count, there have been about 3 touchdowns combined in all of the game diaries we've written.

9:02 - This game is so bad, the studio crew isn't even trying to convince us it's not.

9:05 - Fantuz is at 12% in the wide receivers poll. It's safe to assume that 12% of the people watching this thing are from Saskatchewan.

9:08 - The net yards at the half - 143-103. Or less than two Bashir Levinston kick returns combined.

9:10 - We still can't see Jennifer Hedger without thinking of The Lofters. And in turn an unpleasant conversation about her nipples that we hope we're imagining but we're pretty sure we're not. We won"t elaborate.

9:11 - We're able to shake that thought long enough to notice that Hedger is plugging TSN's live coverage this weekend of NHL free agent signings...official proof that this country's hockey obsession has turned into self-parody.

9:12 - We've just been warned that "no accounts or descriptions of this game" are allowed to be "disseminated without the official consent of the CFL." Good thing we're too busy writing about Popp's hair and Hedger's nipples to pay much attention to the game.

9:17 - The Riders have put together something resembling a drive.

9:18 - Mark Estelle is one of those guys who should always be referred to by his full name. Otherwise, we think one of the Golden Girls is loose on the field. (This also applies to Chip Cox, for obvious reasons. You really don't want to hear Chris Cuthbert talk about someone being "smothered by Cox.")

9:19 - Congi hits his third field goal of the game. It continues to mystify us that TSN doesn't bill his stats as "the Congi line" each and every time it shows them.

9:25 - Calvillo is sacked. Again. How will Jack Todd find a way to blame Don Matthews for this?

9:27 - It's always disappointing when they show a closeup of Montreal's cheerleaders, all of whom look about 15. A city of beautiful women, and these girls look like they should have been on Green Bay's sidelines during the Mark Chmura era.

9:30 - Joseph finds Henri Childs deep and...he's in! 16-3 Riders. And that's what a touchdown looks like. We'd forgotten.

9:34 - Somehow, Jamie Boreham just got called for unnecessary roughness. This is what happens when other kickers try to be Noel Prefontaine.

9:35 - We love Danny Mac and we're thoroughly enjoying his debut. But someone needs to tell him to stop saying things like "Calvillo's balls are fluttering."

9:40 - With the Riders pinned deep, they concede the safety. But first we get that inevitable moment where the kicker tempts fate by running around the back of the end zone with the ball - the most inexplicable thing in football next to the failure of the Las Vegas Posse.

9:44 - In this year's edition of Chris Schultz's food drive ad, he's got his sleeves rolled up. This is a man who clearly means business.

9:46 - Cuthbert notes that the fans don't seem to be getting on Calvillo despite his abysmal performance. Just a wild guess here, but that may have something to do with all the fans having gone home to avoid the rain.

9:50 - Calvillo's picked off again. The fans are audibly voicing their displeasure.

9:51 - Kerry Joseph has 43 rushing yards. Austin's going to have a running game whether he likes it or not.

9:55 - Apparently the Riders had to make a trade to get Henri Childs from the Als because they couldn't find his phone number while he was a free agent. God, we love this league.

10:00 - Nice to see Reggie Hunt rocking the tinted-visor-at-night look. He's officially the Corey Hart of the CFL.

10:03 - Calvillo's picked off yet again, this time inside the 10. Mar-cus Bra-dy (Clap. Clap. Clap-Clap-Clap.)

10:07 - Boreham concedes another safety for the Riders. If you're turning this game on now, you're going to see a 16-7 score and assume the Als have a touchdown. That would make this a merely bad game. But to understand how uniquely bad it is, you have to know that they actually have three safeties and a rouge.

10:12 - Just what this game needs - a challenge.

10:14 - Calvillo gets run over. Pity he didn't hear Cuthbert's panicked "LOOK OUT!" before the hit. You know you're having a bad night when the commentators start pitying you.

10:17 - It's also a bad sign when your enormous inflatable mascot is visibly depressed.

10:19 - Why must they tease us with promises of "Glen's Gladiator"? Tell us who it is, you bastards!

10:23 - The Als turn it over on downs with 1:22 left after Calvillo throws it about 8 yards short of the first-down marker on third down. In other words, he pulled a Damon Allen.

10:27 - Apparently this is the lowest scoring game between these teams since the Als came back to Montreal 11 years ago. So naturally, one of the quarterbacks is Glen's Gladiator.

10:30 - Calvillo just went down in a pitiful heap to avoid being sacked.

10:31 - And...it's done. Riders 16, Als 7. We were going to demand Jim Popp not cut his hair until Montreal wins, but that might get in the way of Herb Zurkowsky collecting locks of it to keep by his bed.

It’s the start of the Thanksgiving weekend. You’re driving up to your cottage or heading out on the town. We’re all sitting around a living room watching two western teams – neither of which he particularly like – doing battle. So naturally, we want to share the experience with you in all its glorious detail. After all, we haven’t done this in a while.

There’s only one problem – come the 10:00 pm start-time, TSN is still showing a Habs-Sabres game that’s run late. This is distressing, but we’ll work through it. We’re resilient that way.

10:01 pm Where’s Schultzie? Where’s Jock? Where’s anyone? Hockey season sucks.

10:06 The Habs are clinging to a 4-3 lead. We don’t want overtime. Go Habs.

10:09 Naturally, the Sabres tie it up in the final minute. Guy Carbonneau should be fired – already, Jack Todd is off somewhere writing that scalpers aren’t getting as much for Habs tickets as they used to. Honestly though, it’s a meaningless October hockey game. How is this more important than the CFL? Sure, we could understand not showing an Esks-Ti-cats game, but these are the top two teams in that “other” division.

10:11 With the Habs and Sabres still going, TSN’s football panel makes a cameo appearance. Matt Dunigan looks kind of annoyed that they’re still showing the hockey game. Begrudgingly, we gain more respect for Matt Dunigan.

10:15 It looks like Carbonneau is paying tribute to Don Matthews. So far as we can tell, he hasn’t moved in the last 15 minutes.

10:18 All three of us are currently debating whether or not people eat leeks in anything other than soups. We need football, stat.

10:24 Thomas Vanek wins it for Buffalo in the shootout, and simply skates towards the bench. Nik Lewis would have at least mocked Montreal by smoking some meat.

10:25 Onwards to BC Place. Apparently it’s 7-0 Lions. And we’ve never been happier to hear Glen Suitor.

10:33 Paul McCallum comes on to punt, and once again fails to get the single that Wally Buono so desperately wanted.

10:35 Is the CFL the only league that has both an official whisky and an official on-line gambling site? We love this league.

10:37 Jermaine Copeland celebrates a first down with a very heterosexual dance. The play is promptly called back.

10:39 Copeland gets a real catch this time, and remains defiantly heterosexual.

10:43 We’re treated to the first of what will no doubt be many anti-cholesterol commercials…but alarmingly, Wally Buono is nowhere to be found. As far as we can tell, he’s been replaced by a bull - the most embarrassing spokesman change since Mel Lastman’s own company replaced him with a monkey

10:47 Phew. Wally’s back, in anti-cholesterol form. When do we get a super-commercial with Wally fighting the bull?

10:49 Smilin’ Hank Burris throws his second screen pass interception in as many weeks, this one to former Renegade Korey Banks. Incidentally, Korey Banks is the only Korey (and/or Corey) we know of who is not a child actor, a strung-out former child actor or a 12-year-old-brat.

10:55 Touchdown Geroy Simon. Chris Cuthbert explains that the Stamps don’t like it when things are “put in their end zone.” Jermaine Copeland and Nik Lewis not approvingly.

11:01 We’re treated to a gratuitous shot of Dave Ritchie, once described by a friend of ours as looking like “an evil fish.”

11:02 The evil fish is shown making a drinkie-drinkie motion.

11:06 TSN gives us an extremely blurry shot of a queasy-looking Dave Dickenson, presumably so that we can see Dickenson the way that Dickenson sees us.

11:07 Buck Pierce is 14 of 15 for 181 yards and a TD in the first half. That might explain why Dickenson looks nauseous.

11:09 Scott Coe takes off his helmet to reveal a disappointingly normal haircut. We’re going to take credit for pressuring him into this.

11:14 As B.C. tries to put something in Calgary’s end zone again, Cuthbert tells us that the coverage was “a little too tight.” Copeland and Lewis are not going to like this one bit.

11:15 Touchdown Lions. Will we ever do one of these that’s not a blowout?

11:28 At halftime, Schultz explains that Copeland has “skills.” Hopefully those include numchuck skills. Because girls love guys with skills.

11:29 Dunigan appears to be wearing a tie that he lifted off a Howard Johnson concierge sometime in the ‘80s.

11:34 Is it just us, or has Jim Popp’s southern accent been getting thicker through this interview with Brian Williams? And doesn’t Popp kinda look less like a coach than the guy who’d be calling up sports radio to complain about the coach?

11:47 The third quarter well underway, Geroy Simon comes up with another excellent – and defiantly heterosexual – catch.

11:47 Buck Pierce is absorbed by a gentleman we like to call “The Pad.”

11:54 As Calgary concedes a safety, Cuthbert informs us that we won’t see the “dancing punter.” That’s a shame, because the dancing punter sounds magnificent.

12:00 a.m. Amazingly, Sandro DeAngelis appears to be falling asleep on the Stamps' bench. We’re not making this up. Ever watch your dog’s eyes get heavy, until he falls asleep on his nose? That’s pretty much was Sandro’s doing.

12:02 Sandro wakes up long enough to kick a short field goal, and we go to commercial.

12:03 How much is this movie with Robin Williams running for president going to suck? It’s nice that he’s out of rehab, but anyone who actually has to watch this thing is going straight into it. If there’s anyone on earth less funny than Robin Williams at this point, we can’t imagine who it is.

12:05 Cuthbert introduces a clip from last week of Buck Pierce landing on his funny bone. To which Suitor responds, naturally: “There’s nothing funny about it.” We take it back: Robin Williams is definitely funnier than Glen Suitor.

12:10 You know those movies where they have the team of snotty rich kids going up against the scrappy gang of misfits from across the lake? Lions' O.C. Jacques Chapdelaine totally looks like he should be coaching the snotty rich kids.

12:21 With the Lions up 26-6, Cuthbert says that Burris is trying to “change the course of the game.” Burris promptly throws directly into the hands of a Lions back.

12:22 As retribution for stuff being put in their end zone, the Stamps violate some guy named Colon.

12:28 As Joe Smith takes it home, Suitor invites us to “take a ride on the Joe Train.” We have no idea what that means, but we’re pretty sure Calgary won’t appreciate the Joe Train penetrating their end zone.

12:31 Up 33-6, and with Wally Buono channeling his inner Mike Martz, the Lions successfully do an onside kick. It’s called back, but it doesn’t matter. If this doesn’t come back to bite the Lions in the ass, we know nothing of karma.

12:35 Continuing a longstanding TSN tradition of assuming that Canadians are too dumb to understand sports other than hockey, Suitor inexplicably assesses that a good fullback is like a good fourth-line centre.

12:39 Burris is picked off for another touchdown, and in a show of solidarity the Lions all start doing the Geroy Simon superman pose. Copeland and Lewis promptly run off to record a health advisory on “catching the gay.”

12:40 The Lions go for two, officially becoming the most dislikeable team in the league. We can only assume Chapdelaine was somehow responsible for this.

12:42 Danny Mac is in, and he’ll make you jump, jump. Jumping himself, however, might be difficult, because we're not sure he could get off the ground at this point. Having apparently been enjoying the good life as a backup QB, his chinstrap is now too small for his face.

12:51 It’s decided: Our main goal for the Grey Cup is to hang with Danny Mac…mostly because he’ll make us look less drunk, sleepy and, um, portly.

12:54 Danny Mac leads the Stamps to their first touchdown of the game, scoring one for plus-sized gentlemen everywhere.

1:00 Why is Geroy Simon still in the game?

1:01 Oh, look…Geroy’s limping off the field. What was that about karma, again?

1:04 Danny Mac gets picked, prompting Wally to laugh at him. It’s nice to see that with The Don out of the CFL, Buono’s stepping into the all-purpose bogeyman role.

1:05 The final score? Lions 39, Stamps 13. The final answer? Leeks are pretty much useless outside soup.

Because it's been cold and rainy all weekend, because half the city seems to be away, because we need to get in the mood for tomorrow's showdown at Ivor Wynne, because we haven't done this in a while and because those of you spending your holiday on Boatmenblog really deserve a special treat, it's time for what passes for a Boatmenblog staff party - also known as sitting on a couch and watching a CFL game way too closely. Tonight, it's the 'Riders and the 'Bombers. Enjoy.

7:03 pm Jock Climie and Matt Dunigan are having an intense back-and-forth conversation that appears designed solely to keep the camera off Chris Schultz.

7:10 pm A Labour Day poll asks viewers for their favourite rivalry. Shamefully, the classic B.C.-Monteal matchup is not an option. 

7:12 pm  TSN begins an extremely earnest feature on the Cosh family, joining them for their regular five-hour journey from Macklin, SK - apparently somewhere near the Alberta border - to Regina for 'Riders home games. We're going to seem like total jerks if we make fun of these people...even if the mother is inexplicably in a nun's outfit.

7:13 pm As they set sail from Macklin, the Cosh father tells his kids not to go in the "adult van." We don't really want to know what goes on in there, but we do kind of hope it involves these people.

7:15 pm This really is a very charming little feature. And who knows...by the time the Cosh children are all grown up with kids of their own, they might even get to see a 'Riders home playoff game. 

7:24 pm Each member of the pre-game panel is sent off into a different corner of the room for something called "Out of Bounds." It's slightly depressing that TSN spent a whack of money on a shiny new studio this season, and this is the only way they've figured out how to showcase it.

7:32 pm  After a particularly complex bit of analysis by Schultz, Dunigan bulges his eyes, waves his arms in the air and yells something about "distorted reality." We're pretty sure Schultz has officially blown Dunigan's mind.

7:38 pm Occasionally, we're glad we don't have HDTV. This closeup of Doug Berry is one of them. 

7:39 pm Chris Cuthbert repeatedly refers to this game as "critical." Somewhere, an unemployed Shake Severs is wondering about royalties. 

7:48 pm We're told about the 2,000 extra seats in place for the upcoming Rolling Stones concert. Keith Richards is so falling off the wagon when he encounters the Regina nightlife. 

7:49 pm In a pre-recorded clip, Danny Barrett gets all excited about "the hot dog smell in the air" on Labour Day. Presumably, Wally Buono is firing off a harsh letter even as he speaks.

7:55 pm Berry throws the flag to challenge the spot on a Kerry Joseph run, cruelly forcing Jake Ireland to contend with the new-fandangled contraption that is video replay. (A side-note: Until stumbling onto this, we never quite realized that Jake Ireland and John Ireland were the same person.) 

7:58 pm Joseph rumbles in for a touchdown, putting the 'Riders up 7-1 after the convert.

8:04 pm Troy Westwood hits a field goal, bringing the Bombers within four. Somewhere, there's an imaginary aboriginal community going nuts for its beloved "Little Hawk."

8:06 pm The incomparable Glen Suitor actually provides a moderately interesting tidbit: The Bombers stay in Moose Jaw over the Labour Day weekend to avoid all the "excitement" in Regina. How far away do these guys have to stay when they're playing in Montreal? Goose Bay?

8:09 pm Kerry Joseph caps another run-heavy drive with his second rushing touchdown. How many teams in a row have to decimate the Bombers' run defence before we stop hearing what an accomplishment that is?

8:21 pm A horrible Kevin Glenn pass flutters like a dying bird about four yards from the line of scrimmage. Did we miss Joe Paopao being hired as the Bombers' offensive coordinator?

8:29 pm Still no sign of vaunted homegrown talent Andy Fantuz...presumably because he's still in the clubhouse playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.

8:32 pm It's nice to see that Lonie Glieberman has found work kicking field goals for the 'Riders. 

8:35 pm The camera pans across a gentleman with an "S" shaved into his chest, either to show his devotion to the 'Riders or because he's the biggest Superman geek on the planet.

8:36 pm Cuthbert describes Joseph as "a little limp." Insert your own joke here.

8:37 pm Joseph finds Corey Grant in the end zone. Perhaps he's not so limp after all. 

8:45 pm Glenn hits Quentin McCord with a fluttering moon-shot that would make Eric Crouch proud. Why do the 'Riders always get burned by those?

8:46 pm Milt Stegall, possibly feeling the need to vindicate a TSN crew that's spent 85% of the game talking about him, surfaces for a touchdown catch. 

8:48 pm Now on the sidelines, Stegall gets the "How badly does Milt Stegall want to win?" treatment. Has last year's ESPN Sunday Night crew hijacked the broadcast booth?

8:57 pm After the 'Riders somehow manage another rushing touchdown (this one by Kenton Keith) on "the best run defence in the league," Andy Fantuz finally tears himself away from Adam Rita's game room to play a supporting role in an elaborate end-zone dance sequence.

9:01 pm As the half winds down, Suitor's not even speaking in sentences any more...he's just throwing random words out. Would anyone object if they replaced him with the video-game version of John Madden, circa 1998? ("Bam...he'll remember that number!" would be more insightful than anything Suitor has come up with so far.) 

9:02 pm Dominique Dorsey has a decent punt return for the 'Riders, proving himself the best DD in the CFL next to Dave Dickenson...and Etienne Boulay, of course.

9:03 pm At the half, it's 28-12 'Riders. 

9:06 pm Dunigan announces that the 'Riders have piled up "over 109 yards." What are we talking here? 109.3? 109.76? We demand specifics.

9:08 pm Schultz suggests that the 'Riders play is making Eric Tillman look good. Somewhere, a furious Roy Shivers is now picking his teeth with a bamboo stick.  

9:12 pm Getting the Brian Williams treatment, Eric Tillmans calls out the Argos for going over the salary cap (as did the 'Riders).

9:13 pm Tillman tells Williams he won't call out any specific teams for going over the salary cap. 

9:18 pm Westwood starts the second half with a godawful attempt at an onside kick, sending it straight out of bounds. Somewhere, Little Hawk's imaginary aboriginal community hangs its head in shame.

9:22 pm An ad for Cell FX tells us that Matt Dunigan "takes a pass on pain"...just like every CFL team is taking a pass on his coaching services. 

9:29 pm Alarmingly, an interview with Kenton Keith's family reveals that Grandpa Keith looks roughly the same age as Damon Allen.

9:31 pm Glen Suitor on Andy Fantuz: "You have to be a little bit more mental preparation." We swear to God, those were his exact words.

9:35 pm Glen Suitor on the Bombers cheerleaders: "They're givin' her down there." (We know...enough with Glen Suitor. But as this game rapidly turns into a blowout, he's all we have to amuse ourselves with.)

9:42 pm As the Bombers go two-and-out yet again, it seems appropriate to note that someone suggested to us today that the ball in their logo looks rather like the Hindenberg.  

9:53 pm It's the end of the 3rd quarter, the 'Riders are making a statement with a 32-12 lead, and so far as we can recall there hasn't been a single shot of Danny Barrett on the sidelines. Oh, right...this is all Tillman's doing.

9:56 pm Touchdown Shermar Bracey, and it's 39-12. Still no sign of Barrett, but at this point we'd rather see (not the real) Greg Marshall, just to see if he rips off his mustache and throws it at one of his defensive backs.

10:06 pm It's always awkward when the camera stays on a player sitting on the bench too long. After giving the usual shout-outs, Fred Perry is reduced to a "Hey, Canada!"...then just stares off uncomfortably into the distance.

10:09 pm Why is Kerry Joseph still in this game?

10:12 pm Hey, it's Danny Barrett! What's he doing here?

10:14 pm Albert Johnson inexplicably runs a missed field goal out to the three-yard line. Clearly, he hasn't been the same since Tom Bryce put the fear of God into him. 

10:25 pm Darian Durant is in at quarterback for the 'Riders. This is exciting news only because it allows us to show you this picture of him (in which he's apparently picking up Spergon Wynn's sloppy seconds.) 

10:28 pm We can forgive Omar Evans for getting himself ejected late in the fourth quarter of his team's latest loss. What we cannot forgive him for, under any circumstances, is his apparent failure to wear a cup. Ugh. 

10:29 pm Chris Cuthbert just stole our Bombers/Renegades comparison. Always happy to provide Canada's leading play-by-play guy with some material...even if we strongly suspect he just comes here for the Suitor-bashing.

10:31 pm As the 'Riders mercifully try to run out the clock, they're nailed for a time-count violation. Can we safely assume Jake/John Ireland is getting paid by the penalty?

10:32 pm As the final whistle goes, two of the four people in the room are asleep. Rest assured, though, that the "adult van" will be rocking all the way back to Macklin.

Original plan: All three of your Boatmen bloggers are going to watch another Ticats game so you don’t have to. By the end of the first quarter, we realize that even we can’t stand to sit through this pathetic an effort – and we’re Argos fans.

Plan B, then: Watch the more promising Montreal/Edmonton Grey Cup rematch. As it turns out, this one’s not much better. But we managed to stick with it, more or less. Here goes.

10:15 pm Ah, good…it’s Cuthbert calling this one. Big improvement over Rod Black, even if he had to bring Glen Suitor along for the ride. But why does Cuthbert always sound so surprised? (And Anthony Calvillo leads the Alouettes onto the field! Starting lineups brought to you by Tums!”)

10:16 pm A weather report tells us the field is damp, just like Rod Black’s…ugh, we can’t do it.

10:19 pm Oh no…it’s that Rogers Player of the Game ad with Damon Allen. Could they not turn the volume on him down a little, so he doesn’t sound like your 87-year-old grandfather yelling at you from the front porch?

10:24 pm Shouldn’t Anthony Calvillo be getting the Brett Favre treatment from CFL commentators at this point? (“Nobody loves to play the game as much as A.C.!”) If only he’d pretend to be considering retirement every off-season…

10:36 pm Pat Woodcock, still living off one big play in Grey Cup’02, makes a catch. When the Eskimos took this guy in the Renegades dispersal draft, did they also get his cheerleader wife?

10:37 pm Glen Suitor, who coincidentally used to play for the Roughriders, explains that helmet-to-helmet tackles are a-okay because as a kid you’re “taught to lead with your face.” Note to parents: Do not let Glen Suitor coach your kid’s team.

10:41 pm Edmonton has been driving for approximately 28 minutes to close out a scoreless quarter. We’re actually looking forward to the commercial break.

10:42 pm Cowbell Jenny is so bored that she’s reading aloud from Now Magazine’s sex ads. “I’ve never seen an escort ad where they offer air conditioning! Why do they advertise air conditioning? Oh, man, this is a strong drink.”

10:44 pm Hey, it’s Etienne Boulay! Va-va-voom!

10:53 pm Don Matthews, sporting a spiffy pair of shades and clearly inspired by today’s movie opening, is rocking the Miami Vice look. Or maybe it’s just the Miami retirement home look.

11:01 pm Suitor and Cuthbert are on about the million-dollar kick again. Brian Diesbourg may have gotten $1-million, but TSN commentators got something even more valuable – the chance to fill an unlimited amount of airtime during boring games.

11:03 pm Somebody named Murray Clarke just announced a penalty on Edmonton. We generally mistrust referees who aren’t named Ireland, but this guy does look like he could kick both John and Jake’s ass. Finally, a CFL answer to Ed Hochuli.

11:06 pm The Habs are leading the Oilers 4-3. Oh, wait…

11:07 pm An excited Glen Suitor: “Darrell Mitchell is the only receiver with a locker next to Ricky Ray’s!” Hoo boy...we're actually starting to miss Leif Peterson.

11:11 pm Calvillo completes an 8-yard pass to Ben Cahoon; a hearty “Oh YEAH!” emerges from a badly overmiked O-line. Presumably, somebody just handed Bryan Chiu a hot dog.

11:13 pm Suitor speculates that Dave Randorf’s fat lip didn’t come from a softball, as claimed, but from “the back of Chris Schultz’s hand.” That’s pretty much the best thing Suitor has said all year. Really, we like Randorf…but he does look like the rest of the TSN panel’s bitch.

11:20 pm The Eskimos challenge on a Mookie Mitchell catch ruled incomplete. Somewhere, Peewee Smith curses them.

11:23 pm Has Don Matthews moved yet this half? If Dave Wannstedt turns it down, he might want to audition for Weekend at Bernie’s III.

11:24 pm Sean Fleming misses a field goal. Suddenly, we’re nostalgic for the ’96 Grey Cup.

11:25 pm It's 4-3 at the half, and Cuthbert and Suitor are in damage control mode. “It’s not a typical CFL shootout, but it’s a great game between rivals…great coaching…”

11:26 pm More of the same from Randorf And Schultz. “It’s a low-scoring game, but it’s not a boring game!”

11:26 pm Jock Climie wants us to send him jokes “to split Dave Randorf’s lip.” Here's one: "Matt Dunigan's coaching career." Thank you. That is all.

11:36 pm After a startingly original and underutilized Wendy's ad, it finally hits Rusty. “Wait…I can get a baked potato with my classic single combo? Why haven’t they told me this before?”

11:50 pm Suitor observes that Mookie Mitchell is “already” the leading receiver for his team tonight. That’s quite the pace he’s on.

11:57 pm TSN shows the Als’ offensive coordinator, who appears to be asleep. That would explain a lot.

11:58 pm A.C. flings such a godawful shovel pass, we’re pretty sure Joe Paopao called it.

12:04 am The Als' Duane Butler appears to have someone holding a gun to his back in a promo spot wishing Friday Night Football a happy 10^th anniversary. Frank D’Angelo has to be involved in some way.

12:05 am You’ve gotta be friggin’ kidding us. Glen Suitor just used our Habs-Oilers line. We might as well just give up on this thing now.

12:09 am A confused-looking Danny Maccioca makes us wonder yet again how he coached a team to the Grey Cup. This guy is the Ozzie Guillen of the CFL.

12:13 am A 42-yard catch-and-run by Jason Tucker injects some life into the proceedings.

12:17 am Mike Maurer takes it home for an Eskimos touchdown. Finally.

12:18 am Somebody named “Nana” has replaced Damon Allen as the Rogers shill. This is a little intense, if only for her lack of neck. We’re gonna be honest: Nana scares the crap out of us.

12:26 am Robert Edwards responds for the Als. When the CFL holds its all-star game in Nunavut, somebody please tell him not to run on the ice floes.

12:41 am Matthews is challenging the spot on a third down gamble gone wrong. Which is weird, because we’re pretty sure he still hasn’t moved since the first quarter.

12:42 am Ruling on the field stands. Matthews looks…sleepy.

12:52 am Capping off a perfect drive after the Esks’ offence fizzles, Edwards takes it in. Truth is, the Als are scary good. We can hardly wait for the Argos to play them on four days rest this Thursday.

12:55 am We don’t like that the Als just picked off Ricky Ray, effectively ending the game. But we love that it was Etienne Boulay . Pulled it right into his ample bosom, he did. Much as it pains us that the Als are stacked, they’ve been racking up some pretty sweet plays. Pity that the Esks have looked like such hapless boobs…unlike the magnificent ones sported by the Als.

12:56 am All right, enough of that. But we'll say it again: This is God’s work we’re doing here. God’s work.

12:57 am Suitor, presenting the ever-popular “Glen’s Gladiator”, boldly proclaims that it’s “not about the stars"…then picks 2004 Defensive Player of the Year Anwar Stewart.

12:59 am The Esks are confused. What…what is that? Why are Montreal’s backs so deep? Is that a…a…a prevent defence? So THAT’S what that looks like.

It's Friday night. Your Boatmenblog crew has a fridge full of an inexplicably exotic variety of beers, Swiss Chalet on the way, and the TSN panel ready to do that thing it does. Let's do this.

7:03 pm Time for a Greg Marshall debate. Shockingly, Matt Dunigan is siding with a coach he thinks was fired prematurely. Chris Schultz, normally one of the best football analysts in the country, is explaining that Marshall should've gotten more time because he had the Ticats "close to the playoffs." It's true: Another coach might've gotten them into the negative integers needed to be more than 2 points back.

7:10 pm In a feature on recent #3 overall draft pick Andy Fantuz, Adam Rita is seen grilling him at the CFL combine...on what board games he likes to play. He appears to be serious, advancing our theory that Adam Rita is high 24 hours a day.

7:13 pm Aw, crap. TSN is going with the Black/Peterson combination, which is almost enough to make us long for the old ESPN Sunday night crew. Almost. 

7:19 pm Promo for the Brian Williams/Greg Marshall interview, except the clip is just Williams staring intensely into the camera. Marshall looks confused and slightly terrified.

7:23 pm Okay, this is actually a pretty good interview, and it's absolutely impossible to dislike Marshall right now. Total standup guy. But Williams must have it written into his contract that they have to show him looking pensive at least once every 30 seconds. And if they start filming him any closer, they'll be shooting up his nostrils.

7:38 pm Kickoff time, so we get the requisite Lancaster shots. Peterson invokes the standard "the coach didn't really want to come back and coach" line. Amazing how many selfless coaches there are out there.

7:52 pm Kwame Cavil makes his first catch of the season; commences approximately 17 minutes of celebrations. As they say, act like you've been there before. Or, in this case, caught it before.

7:55 pm Taking Rod Black's description of "sauna" conditions seriously, Lancaster's got the towel draped around his neck. Looks like he's headed for the spa, or at least the steam room at the Hamilton HoJo.

7:58 pm Jason Maas attempts the ugliest shovel pass we've ever seen. Anyone else wondering if Paopao might've been the problem?

7:59 pm Ticats get the first touchdown of the Lancaster era, and it sounds like 6 people are celebrating it in their basement. Would it kill TSN to mic the crowd? 

8:01 pm Wally Buono comes on to tell us he hates cholesterol; points menacingly at the camera. How long till our half chickens, Chalet sauce and fries get here?

8:04 pm Drunken Cowbell Jenny breezes into the room; commences another rant about those kids sitting in front of us at last weekend's game. Somewhere, one of our commenters shakes his head disapprovingly. 

8:16 pm We're treated to a guy waiting in a hot dog line wearing a golf shirt that's fluorescent pink up top, fluorescent  yellow in the middle, and fluorescent green at the bottom. Nice of TSN to show us the best-dressed man in Hamilton.

8:22 pm The newly disciplined Ticats take a time-count violation inside the 10-yard line. 

8:24 pm Lancaster talks to Maas on the sideline. How many times do you think he's called him Danny so far? 

8:25 pm With a 3rd down on the Calgary 4, Hamilton attempts a toss that somehow winds up on the turf. Turnover. Paopao!

8:37 pm Black describes Sandro DeAngelis as the hottest player in the CFL. Sandro promptly misses a field goal. Don't worry...Rod still loves Sandro.

8:38 pm Swiss Chalet finally arrives. In deference to Wally Buono, we stop taking notes to start boosting our cholesterol. Rusty chugs Chalet sauce.  

8:50 pm Apparently there's still a game going on. Ticats D steps up for a goal-line stand to end the half; Ticats go to the dressing room with the lead.

9:00 pm Why is Williams berating Tom Sizemore about firing Greg Marshall? Oh, wait...that's Ticats president Rob Katz. 

9:02 pm Williams tells Katz they're running out of time; halftime marching band launches into Europe's Final Countdown in the background. Seriously. 

9:05 pm Another Ticats drive falls apart, this time ending in a Maas fumble. 

9:18 pm Lancaster looks on intently at a Ticats 3rd down gamble. Or he's looking for a cabana girl with a cold drink. We can't really tell. 

9:25 pm The Ticats flub a punt. How are they still in this? 

9:32 pm Lancaster freaks out over a flag. Or maybe just a lack of ice and/or salt for his margarita. 

9:33 pm The score remains 7-4. Rod Black earnestly proclaims it "a crazy night."

9:37 pm The Ticats' Tad Kornegay - who sounds like a character played by Ted McGinley - celebrates his fumble recovery with a shoutout to Trenton, New Jersey.

9:39 pm Do child labour laws not apply in the CFL? We don't care what his bio says...Greg Randall is not 28. 

9:42 pm Final Countdown is playing again. Damn...Hamiltonians LOVE them their Europe. 

9:48 pm Lining up for a field goal from the 1-yard-line, Hamilton keeps deliberately taking penalties; Calgary keeps declining them. This is the worst television we've seen since that guy on Angola got hit in the crotch with the soccer ball during the World Cup and lay there for five minutes with his hands down his shorts.

9:50 pm Lancaster is starting to look hungry. That 4:30 early-bird special must be starting to wear off.

9:59 pm Hey, wasn't John Lu supposed to be a sideline reporter for this game? How many injuries will it take to wrest him away from the hot Hamilton nightlife? 

10:12 pm Speaking of missing persons, whatever happened to Lancaster? It's not like TSN to go five minutes without giving us a dose of our Li'l General. 

10:14 pm Terry Vaughn just tied Darren Flutie's CFL receptions record. If there's anything about Terry Vaughn that's worth making fun of, we haven't figured it out yet. 

10:17 pm Corey Holmes takes it to the endzone; commences dance around startled linemen. Petersen suggests the linemen would be happier square dancing. Nice work playing the race card.

10:18 pm Yikes. The Stamps' Cam Yeow is on a stretcher, being loaded into an ambulance. Nobody bothers explaining what's wrong with him. Seriously, what is John Lu being paid for?

10:29 pm Sandro DeAngelis is out to try a game-tying field goal. Rod Black is going nuts. It's good! Lucky we're going to commercial...we're pretty sure Rod just had a Mike Cooper moment.   

10:31 pm Hot damn! It's a John Lu sighting! 

10:35 pm Vaughn breaks the receptions record. Hamiltonians seem to be oblivious. 

10:40 pm The camera pans to DeAngelis on the bench, literally pinching himself. Maybe someone told him about the whole Rod Black thing.

10:42 pm The Stamps shank a punt, surrendering prime field position with 30 seconds left. Isn't it the Ticats who are supposed to be doing this stuff?

10:44 pm Replacement Ticats kicker Mark Myers hits a 45-yard field goal. Jamie Boreham is officially cut. Oh, and the Ticats won. Time to bust out that eclair.

10:45 pm Lancaster grins. "You know who else is smiling right now?" Rod Black exclaims. "Greg Marshall!" Um, okay. But no smiles from us. Ticats still suck.