So, what are you doing on the Friday night of a long weekend? Because us, we're sitting around Camp Rusty drinking beer, eating Swiss Chalet and watching the Week 1 showdown between the Roughriders and the Alouettes. Two swinging guys, we are, and courtesy of the year's first game diary you're along for the ride.

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7:04 - Other sports broadcasts have sideline reporters like Melissa Stark or Erin Andrews... Friday Night Football has Danny Mac. And yes, he still makes us jump, jump.

7:06 - When did Matt Dunigan develop a stutter? Deep breath, Matt. Deep breath.

7:07 - The Kent Austin love-in begins. Contrary to all the available evidence, the TSN panel wants us to know that he's perfectly happy to run the ball.

7:12 - Ooohhh, a Brian Williams interview. We don't really consider it football season until we've seen at least five shots of Williams nodding pensively while his subject rambles. In this case it's Mark Cohon, whose main requirement for the commissioner's job appears to be that he looks like John Tory's kid brother.

7:14 - Wait...two Brian Williams interviews? Now he's talking to David Stern about Cohon...and nodding pensively.

7:15 - Hold on...three Brian Williams interviews? Bob Young, step on up. 

7:16 - Four Brian Williams interviews? This is starting to look like a Behind the Music episode. All we need now is for the one-armed drummer from Def Leppard to turn up and credit Mark Cohon with saving his life.

7:17 - As the montage ends, we're back to Brian Williams live from Molson Stadium...who's still watching his Behind the Music episode on a monitor. Actually, he's not just watching - he's shaking his head with the sort of grin that says "Brian, you magnificent bastard, you've done it again."

7:23 - Ah, Out of Bounds - the feature clearly dreamed up by whoever signed off on this massive studio to justify its costs. Put Dunigan in one corner of the studio, Climie in another, Schultz in a third...and presto, you've got TV magic.

7:33 - Tonight's TSN poll: Who's the best Canadian receiver in the league? Our candidates: Jason Clermont, Ben Cahoon and...Andy Fantuz? Time to begin our write-in campaign for Andre Talbot.

7:38 - We're ready for kickoff...and so is Jim Popp's luxurious hair.

7:40 - Beautiful catch by Jason Armstead. And luckily, Jake Ireland isn't around to call a holding penalty.

7:48 - Someone named Mike Imoh (pronounced "Emo") is running all over the 'Riders. And every time Suitor says his name, we expect some moody kid with a bad haircut to walk into the huddle.

7:51 - Already in Grey Cup form, Anthony Calvillo is intercepted in the end zone.

7:54 - After their second possession of the game, the 'Riders have still yet to run the ball. The balanced attack is in full effect.

7:56 - How bad a beer is Coors Light that they're trying to sell it on the basis that it's colder than other beers? Watch for Steelback to counter with its campaign to make its beer the warmest beer you can buy. Which of course would make it even more delicious.

7:59 - Calvillo is sacked...we think. It's hard to tell for sure, because TSN was showing a pan shot of the entire stadium. Finally, we can experience what it's like to watch the game from the rooftop of a nearby building.

8:07 - Glen Suitor wants all you kids out there to follow Ben Cahoon's lead by investing in some sort of contraption that flings balls at you at an extremely high speed. If you can't afford that, kids, just have your friends fling their own balls at you. Or give Rod Black a call.

8:11 - End of the first quarter, and it's a scoreless tie. We should really warn fans before we liveblog games so they don't waste their Friday nights.

8:12 - "Etienne Boulay shows Blitz..." Why are you stopping, Cuthbert? We want to know what he showed Blitz, although this being Etienne Boulay we can probably guess.

8:16 - Kent Austin's balanced offensive unit currently has 10 rushing yards, most of which we're pretty sure came from Kerry Joseph

8:32 - We don't mean to pick on Glen Suitor too much, at least this early in the season. But after a running play from Imoh goes nowhere, he decides to make his second point about Dave Mudge's awesomeness in two plays. Why not explain why the running play didn't work?

8:38 - It's starting to rain at Molson stadium. Luckily Danny Mac isn't in a white t-shirt.

8:39 - Uh-oh. With the rain, the Riders are going to have to run the ball. Kent Austin's biggest foe: rain

8:39 - TSN cuts to the Als cheerleaders in the rain. An admirable decision.

8:43 - It's really hard to watch football in the rain without thinking about the opening scene from The Last Boyscout. Good thing Robert Baker didn't sign with either of these teams.

8:56 - That Emo kid is running the ball again for Montreal.  If they keep hitting him like this, they're going to smudge his eyeliner.

8:58 - Jim Popp appears to have pulled his hood up to avoid messing up his hair.

8:58 - We're at the half and it's a 6-2 barnburner. By our count, there have been about 3 touchdowns combined in all of the game diaries we've written.

9:02 - This game is so bad, the studio crew isn't even trying to convince us it's not.

9:05 - Fantuz is at 12% in the wide receivers poll. It's safe to assume that 12% of the people watching this thing are from Saskatchewan.

9:08 - The net yards at the half - 143-103. Or less than two Bashir Levinston kick returns combined.

9:10 - We still can't see Jennifer Hedger without thinking of The Lofters. And in turn an unpleasant conversation about her nipples that we hope we're imagining but we're pretty sure we're not. We won"t elaborate.

9:11 - We're able to shake that thought long enough to notice that Hedger is plugging TSN's live coverage this weekend of NHL free agent signings...official proof that this country's hockey obsession has turned into self-parody.

9:12 - We've just been warned that "no accounts or descriptions of this game" are allowed to be "disseminated without the official consent of the CFL." Good thing we're too busy writing about Popp's hair and Hedger's nipples to pay much attention to the game.

9:17 - The Riders have put together something resembling a drive.

9:18 - Mark Estelle is one of those guys who should always be referred to by his full name. Otherwise, we think one of the Golden Girls is loose on the field. (This also applies to Chip Cox, for obvious reasons. You really don't want to hear Chris Cuthbert talk about someone being "smothered by Cox.")

9:19 - Congi hits his third field goal of the game. It continues to mystify us that TSN doesn't bill his stats as "the Congi line" each and every time it shows them.

9:25 - Calvillo is sacked. Again. How will Jack Todd find a way to blame Don Matthews for this?

9:27 - It's always disappointing when they show a closeup of Montreal's cheerleaders, all of whom look about 15. A city of beautiful women, and these girls look like they should have been on Green Bay's sidelines during the Mark Chmura era.

9:30 - Joseph finds Henri Childs deep and...he's in! 16-3 Riders. And that's what a touchdown looks like. We'd forgotten.

9:34 - Somehow, Jamie Boreham just got called for unnecessary roughness. This is what happens when other kickers try to be Noel Prefontaine.

9:35 - We love Danny Mac and we're thoroughly enjoying his debut. But someone needs to tell him to stop saying things like "Calvillo's balls are fluttering."

9:40 - With the Riders pinned deep, they concede the safety. But first we get that inevitable moment where the kicker tempts fate by running around the back of the end zone with the ball - the most inexplicable thing in football next to the failure of the Las Vegas Posse.

9:44 - In this year's edition of Chris Schultz's food drive ad, he's got his sleeves rolled up. This is a man who clearly means business.

9:46 - Cuthbert notes that the fans don't seem to be getting on Calvillo despite his abysmal performance. Just a wild guess here, but that may have something to do with all the fans having gone home to avoid the rain.

9:50 - Calvillo's picked off again. The fans are audibly voicing their displeasure.

9:51 - Kerry Joseph has 43 rushing yards. Austin's going to have a running game whether he likes it or not.

9:55 - Apparently the Riders had to make a trade to get Henri Childs from the Als because they couldn't find his phone number while he was a free agent. God, we love this league.

10:00 - Nice to see Reggie Hunt rocking the tinted-visor-at-night look. He's officially the Corey Hart of the CFL.

10:03 - Calvillo's picked off yet again, this time inside the 10. Mar-cus Bra-dy (Clap. Clap. Clap-Clap-Clap.)

10:07 - Boreham concedes another safety for the Riders. If you're turning this game on now, you're going to see a 16-7 score and assume the Als have a touchdown. That would make this a merely bad game. But to understand how uniquely bad it is, you have to know that they actually have three safeties and a rouge.

10:12 - Just what this game needs - a challenge.

10:14 - Calvillo gets run over. Pity he didn't hear Cuthbert's panicked "LOOK OUT!" before the hit. You know you're having a bad night when the commentators start pitying you.

10:17 - It's also a bad sign when your enormous inflatable mascot is visibly depressed.

10:19 - Why must they tease us with promises of "Glen's Gladiator"? Tell us who it is, you bastards!

10:23 - The Als turn it over on downs with 1:22 left after Calvillo throws it about 8 yards short of the first-down marker on third down. In other words, he pulled a Damon Allen.

10:27 - Apparently this is the lowest scoring game between these teams since the Als came back to Montreal 11 years ago. So naturally, one of the quarterbacks is Glen's Gladiator.

10:30 - Calvillo just went down in a pitiful heap to avoid being sacked.

10:31 - And...it's done. Riders 16, Als 7. We were going to demand Jim Popp not cut his hair until Montreal wins, but that might get in the way of Herb Zurkowsky collecting locks of it to keep by his bed.