It’s Saturday night, we’re gathered at Rusty’s sparkling new digs and we’re feeling optimistic. We’ve picked a decent enough matchup that this might become our first-ever diary of a halfway watchable game. And if not, it’s the first time we’ve done a CBC game, which should offer some fresh material. On the downside, if things get boring we won’t be able to fall back on jokes about Rod Black’s balls...or will we?

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7:01 PM - Our broadcast team is…Steve Armitage and Khari Jones? Seriously? With only a few games left until CBC gives up its CFL broadcast rights, we’re pretty sure they’ve just given up.

7:03 - Khari is having all kinds of trouble reading through his game notes. But on the topic of holding onto the football, he does manage to tell us that Henry Burris has to “cuddle his baby.”

7:06 - We like Khari. But we’re still pretty sure he hasn’t actually uttered a complete sentence without stumbling halfway through. By the end of this game, Chris Zelkovich’s head is going to explode.

7:11 - At linebacker for the Stamps tonight, a rooster.

7:16 - Javier Glatt drops what should have been an easy interception. This guy really needs to get his head in the game and off delicious, delicious Subway turkey and ham sandwiches.

7:19 - Rob Murphy takes a 15-yard penalty, prompting an uncharacteristically concise assessment from Khari: “I don’t think he feels comfortable until he gets his first 15-yarder of the night.” So basically, he’s the offensive equivalent of Mike O’Shea.

7:23 - With nothing much having happened so far in the game, Armitage gets exuberant over a “goooooooood punt.” Usually he doesn’t get that excited unless there’s no splash off a 720-backwards pipe from the 10 foot tower.” (Yeah, we have no idea what that means either. It’s a diving joke, okay? Armitage calls a lot of diving. So that’s why it’s funny.)

7:26 - B.C. gets a safety courtesy the beloved “dancing punter.”

7:27 - So far in this commercial break, we’ve had ads for Crystal Light and Philadelphia Light Cream Cheese. CBC really knows its audience.

7:30 - Even though Buck Pierce shows no signs of coming out of the game, sideline reporter Brenda Irving informs us that Jurious Jackson is wearing his helmet and warming up on the sidelines. So now we know who Damon Allen has been mentoring.

7:32 - Anyone who turned on the TV just as CBC cut to shots of a grinning Buck Pierce folding his arms to throbbing techno beats would have thought they’d tuned into the opening of a gay porn flick.

7:35 - After a B.C. field goal, Armitage introduces us to the “third member” of the broadcast team, the lamentable Greg Frers. This must make Brenda Irving feel especially good.

7:41 - Pierce is incomplete to Geroy Simon. Cholesterol on the coverage.

7:42 - A Stamps interception is called back on a pass interference flag thrown roughly 18 minutes after the catch.

7:43 - A potential touchdown pass goes off the fingertips of Jason Clermont, prompting Armitage to call him out. And so continues the greatest personal feud in Canadian football, still burning nearly three years after Armitage’s infamous “So, is this what you always dreamed of” question after the Lions lost the Grey Cup in ’04.

7:45 - At the end of the first quarter, it’s 5-0 Lions. The Stamps have 14 yards of offence. Sweet Jesus, it’s happening again.

7:47 - Paul McCallum makes it 8-0.

7:51 - Armitage just referred to Nik Lewis as “the out man.” Nik Lewis is not going to like that.

7:52 - A Burris pump fake doesn’t fool the Lions, but it does confuse CBC’s camera guy.

7:53 - The Stamps are on the board, courtesy a field goal. By game diay standards, this now officially qualifies as a shootout.

7:56 - Khari Jones lauds Buck Pierce’s ability to “make it happen” when he “sees a hole.” Please direct your attention to our entry at 7:32.

8:02 - Cedric Williams dives to knock down what would have been a B.C. touchdown. It’s a great play, but sadly Armitage clearly has no idea what Williams' first name is.

8:05 - The Lions, already in Grey Cup form, get another field goal.

8:08 - Armitage gets so excited about a Burris play, we’re pretty sure Hank’s on pace to break the record for the 1,500-metre breaststroke. (Armitage also calls a lot of swimming.)

8:13 - We’ve reached the 3-minute warning. Will we see a touchdown this half?

8:17 - Someone named Rob Cote takes it home for the Stamps. We have no idea who that is, but we’d like to thank him for doing something.

8:25 - In a transparent attempt to promote CBC’s Wind at My Back, Armitage tells us that the wind is at Paul McCallum’s back.

8:26 - Oh no…Armitage is somehow talking about Posh Spice. This would only be more awkward if he followed up with a hearty “Yeah, I’d hit it.”

8:27 - Burris carelessly fumbles with a minute left in the half. Is that any way to cuddle your baby, Hank?

8:28 - Chad Mock catches a Pierce pass, then somehow ends the play on the sidelines with an electrical cord wrapped around his neck. So basically, he’s the Michael Hutchence of the CFL.

8:31 - Pierce is picked off. Presumably Jarious Jackson will now begin simulating entire plays on the sideline.

8:42 - We're at the half, after a missed Calgary field goal, and there’s really nothing for us to say about CBC’s halftime panel. It’s not good. It’s not bad. It’s just kind of there.

8:51 - At the start of the second half, Armitage informs us Buck Pierce has gone back to the locker room. Time for some fluffing?

8:57 - Another botched Calgary field goal, this time when it's blocked. Apparently these guys are only adept at running fakes.

9:01 - Fresh into the game, Jarious Jackson finds Geroy Simon in the end zone. We smell controversy. Oh, wait. That’s just the lingering stench of Mike McMahon.

9:06 - This game would be so much better if there was a special Armitage Cam at the bottom of the screen. What can we say? We love the intensity.

9:12 - Korey Banks komes up with a krazy katch as he picks off Burris in the end zone. (Sorry...we're struggling for content here.)

9:14 - Armitage just described Joe Smith as “no ordinary Joe.” Were you sitting on that gem all game, Steve?

9:16 - No ordinary Joe busts out for a 38-yard touchdown run. 25-11 Lions.

9:19 - For the first time in history, a football play-by-play man just used the words “oopsie daisy.”

9:20 - We just spent a solid minute debating whether it’s “oopsie” or “oopsy.” Cast your votes now!

9:30 - Okay, this mysterious Celebrex ad is starting to freak us out. What the hell is Celebrex, and why do we need to talk to our doctor about it?

9:31 - Our research reveals that Celebrex is to relieve osteoarthritis. Good to see advertisers going for the key Damon Allen demographic.

9:40 - The three remaining healthy BC defenders are able to knock away a Burris pass, forcing the Stamps to try for the field goal. Hey, this might be a great place to try a fake. But no worries...it was totally worth burning it off last week.

9:43 - So after the Philadelphia light cream cheese and Crystal Light ads earlier, we now get a Jenny Craig ad starring Kirstie Alley. We know there are lots of middle-aged women tuning in to catch a glimpse of Wally Buono, but still, this is getting ridiculous.

9:44 - Running all over the place, Jarious Jackson is showing up the Stamps D-Line more than Frank D’Angelo shows up his hecklers.

9:46 - Switching over to A-Channel during the break, we see highlights from Jason Maas’ last game. Oh, wait... that’s just Footsteps Falco.

9:48 - Once again, Hank Burris fumbles fails to “cuddle his baby,” resulting in another costly fumble. For the rest of the week, Higgins is going to force him to walk around with a bag of flour.

9:53 - Touchdown Calgary. A close finish here would totally blow our minds.

9:53 - Calgary is down by five, so naturally they decline to go for two. Tom Higgins is not the master tactician we once thought he was.

9:57 - Jarious Jackson hasn’t looked as good the last couple of series. Is Buck Pierce sufficiently fluffed?

9:59 - Hank Burris is picked off by someone named Glover, who we hear is only a few days away from retirement. He nearly takes it to the end zone, but he’s getting too old for this shit.

10:01 - B.C. scores again, and so ends the dream of something exciting to tell you about.

10:04 - We enjoy that the scoreboard at McMahon Stadium notes the “Official Time” left in the game. This is to distinguish it from all of the unofficial time signs held up throughout the stadium.

10:08 - Out of nowhere, a very loud “AWWW SHIT!” comes over the broadcast. We're assuming Armitage is finally going postal, and that was someone trying to get out of the way.

10:14 - Why doesn’t Wally Buono buy himself some sunglasses? It seems like he spends a good portion of every road game shielding himself from the sun like a confused bear. (Note: Believe it or not, this is one game where we haven't been drinking. Maybe that's the problem.

10:18 - And so we end the game with a final score of B.C. 32, Calgary 27. Not a bad first CBC game for us, but we miss the familiarity of TSN. If we ever, ever refer to any part of Steve Armitage's anatomy, please contact our service provider forthwith and have this thing taken down.