5:21 - The Riders have taken the field in their throwback jerseys, presumably in tribute to the last time they hosted a playoff game.

5:23 - With their first play from scrimmage, the Riders score a 62-yard touchdown. And the entire province of Saskatchewan just exploded.

5:27 - After the Stamps fumble on their first possession, Tom Higgins is seen scribbling frantically on a piece of paper. We can only assume it’s a job application.

5:30 - Someone named Ken Lazaruk is refereeing this game. The CBC claims he’s been doing this for 31 years, and we’re pretty sure we’ve never seen him before. What have they done with Andre Proulx?

5:33 - Wait, Duncan O’Mahoney is the Stamps punter. Who knew? We’re pretty sure we made fun of him sometime earlier, but honestly that’s starting to seem like a lifetime ago. All that brisket makes it hard to think.

5:51 - Channeling Timmy Chang, Henry Burris gets picked off in the end zone. Actually, we take that back. Timmy probably wouldn’t have gotten them over half.

5:52 - Speaking of the Ticats, Corey Holmes goes for a big gain. Is Marcel Desjardins getting part of the Riders playoff share?

5:55 - D.J. Flick’s player profile from the CBC shows him plugging his ears. Apparently the air pressure in the studio is wildly unpredictable

6:05 - Something really needs to be done about commentators referring to passes as "balls." The latest offender is Chris Walby, who informs us that the wind will really make your balls sail.

6:06 - At what point does Wendy’s release how many angioplasties (the official operation of the CFL) have been caused by the Baconator (the official hamburger of the CFL) has caused?

6:07 - Speaking of angioplasties… 2 pounds of brisket left

6:10 - The Riders have marched from the 1-yard-line to midfield. Maybe firing the defensive co-ordinator late in the season wasn’t quite as brilliant as it seemed at the time.

6:26 - The Riders successfull pull off a fake field goal, catching the Stamps off-guard. Who knew fake field goals could be used outside blowouts?

6:29 - With a brilliant interception and a lateral, the Stamps take it all the way to the house and make a game of it. Only one problem: no touchdown celebration. Couldn’t they have pretended to be driving a combine?

6:37 - After he gets a 20-yard gain, Walby informs us that the Stamps forgot about FB Neil Hughes. We have it on good authority that they also forgot about Dre.

6:44 - Duncan O’Mahony shanks a punt with the wind at his back. Over/under on O’Mahony’s average punt… 20.5

6:46 - Thank goodness that the Mark’s Work Warehouse ads on the sidelines are also in French. Jean-Luc from Moose Jaw is finally appeased.

6:48 - It’s only a 12-point game, but it really doesn’t feel like the Stamps have been in this at all. You get the impression that Gainer could go for 50 yards on the Stamps D right about now. At the half, it’s 19-7.

7:03 - Apparently the Stamps ran Joffrey Reynolds once. Not only is Kent Austin doing a good job coaching the Riders; he somehow tricked Calgary into adopting his 2006 offensive strategy. All they need is Ricky Williams to go in and do some blocking.

7:08 - A pass from Henry Burris knocks Brett Ralph pathetically to the turf, prompting Mark Lee to say he “went down like he was shot.” When Mark Lee is scoring off you, you’ve got problems.

7:11 - Henry Burris finds Ken-yon Rambo deep for Calgary’s first offensive touchdown. Ken-Yon kind of sounds like a crappy Ford SUV, doesn’t it? (You thought we were going to make a Rambo joke, didn’t you? Well, so did we. But then we realized that between us, none of the three people in the room has ever actually watched a Rambo movie.)

7:26 - Luca Congi hits his fifth field goal of the game, making it 22-14. This is turning into a replay of last year’s kick-happy Grey Cup. Whither Nelly (and Saukrates)?

7:35 - The Stamps block a punt, bringing back horrible, horrible memories of the completely unwatchable 2001 Grey Cup.

7:36 - Mark Lee describes Burris as “strung out,” which might explain why his eyes have looked so red all game.

7:38 - This game is worth watching for the Tom Higgins shots alone. After the Stamps are forced to settle for a field goal, he has the distinct look of a man whose ass cheeks have been frozen shut.

7:48 - Ken Lazorek has left the game, forcing Murray Clarke to take over as head referee. This was supposedly prompted by an injury, but we’re pretty sure the CFL just figured out that Lazorek was just some guy off the street with a fake CV.

7:51 - Lazorek is back. So basically, he needed a bathroom break.

7:57 - Cutting to a commercial, the CBC shows a homemade sign announcing it’s “Grey Cup or bust,” accompanied by a helpful drawing of breasts in a green bra. This would presumably qualify as porn if you live on the Prairies.

8:05 - After a horrible objectionable conduct call against Corey Holmes, an angry hedgehog has appeared on the sidelines, where he appears to be asking local police to arrest Lazorek (or at least bar him from using the bathroom again).

8:11 - Down by nine points with five minutes left, Rambo looks for a pass interference call and doesn’t get it. How’s this possible? He is the law! (We know, that’s from Judge Dredd, not Rambo. But we’ve actually seen Judge Dredd, for some reason.)

8:24 - Still down by nine, with 80 seconds left, the Stamps are slowly marching down the field with a bunch of eight-yard screen passes. Nice to see Burris is going with the Damon Allen method of improving your stat sheet.

8:25 - Burris hits a bomb to Rambo, then finds him in the end zone. We’re waiting for a shot of an ecstatic Estelle Gettyon the sidelines. (C’mon…Stop Or My Mom Will Shoot? Classic film. Classic.)

8:29 - Calgary has a successful onside kick called back over a mysterious offside penalty. Considering we didn’t see anyone actually go offside, we’re pretty sure this was just to prevent the entire province of Saskatchewan from sinking into the ground.

8:31 - And…we’re done. To cap things off, the CBC’s sideline reporter is set to interview Corey Holmes…and he’s promptly cut off as the broadcast ends. If you’re the reporter, do you pretend to interview Holmes anyway, just so he doesn’t feel bad?