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A Friday night on Wally Buono's casting couch

It's Friday night, and there's a rematch of the terrible 2006 Grey Cup. How could we not live blog it? Let the field goals begin!

First Quarter

0:55 Why isn’t Mark Estelle wearing a black arm band in honour of Estelle Getty? For shame.

1:42 Geroy Simon breaks the Lions’ all-time receiving mark, previously held by Jim "Dirty 30" Young. Dirty 30 appears on the sidelines, showing off the "dirty" physique Geroy can look forward to in 30 years. 

2:37 Chris Cuthbert tells us that the Lions have "come under pressure" from Diamond Ferri. Really, who hasn't?

2:58 Honestly, how is Coors Light still selling its product on the basis that it’s the coldest beer? How are people buying this?

3:45 Avon Cobourne breaks a huge run then gets knocked over when teammate Jamel Richardson tries too vigourosly to do a chest bump. We didn't think that sort of thing would happen with Etienne Boulay off the team.

5:06 Cobourne continues to chew through the Lions' defence. Maybe the Als should have tried running the ball in previous games.

5:35 Touchdown Als. This is shaping up to be a much better game than usual for these diaries. But Adrian McPherson, who just turned up for the 1-yard plunge, is really screwing up people who took Avon Cobourne in their pools.

5:35 Is it just us, or does Als' coach Mark Trestman looks suspiciously like Tom Higgins? Judge Doom lives!

5:45 We just noticed that "Dirty 30" has a name tag with his name on it. Apparently the Lions were out of sideline passes,or else he's going to some sort of singles' night after the game.

8:34 Cuthburt and Glen Suitor have used the term “self-scouting” three times so far this game. This is otherwise known as practice or watching film or coming up with a game plan. Self-scouting... well, it just sounds dirty.

10:45 Kerry Watkins is on the receiving end of a Calvillo touchdown toss after a highly dubious roughing-the-kicker call on a missed field goal – then slinks around the end zone doing the “Jump On It” dance while a pair of linemen stand around

12:20 Cuthbert tells us that with a blocked convert (!), Barron Miles tied Gerald Vaughn for “the record”. No word on what that record was. Trying to find something on Gerald Vaughn, the first Google hit is for an agricultural real estate agent in the UK. We’ll assume Miles has tied the record for most commissions in June. Congrats!

13:30 Tad Crawford on the tackle for the Lions. Nice that he could take time out from his day job of being an 80s movie villain.

2nd Quarter:

0:00 Why does Cuthburt wear the headset so far forward? It’s more like a faceset! (Oh, snap!)

0:00 Suitor informs us that Montreal hired “a football man” in Trestman. Better than Jim Popp’s original choice of a stripper. (Possibly Diamond Ferri.)

0:33 Instead of showing us the play, we get an extended Geroy Simon graphic. At least we now know what Geroy looks like when talking on a cell phone.

0:38 Rufus Skillern on the catch. Sounds like a in character in a Rodney Dangerfield movie. Bet he’s a good diver.

1:28 After Mark Estelle breaks up a Paris Jackson catch, we’re informed that “it’s his birthday”. No mention of whose birthday it is. Come on, to whom do we send this delicious birthday cupcake? And when will Diamond Ferri burst out of a cake?

2:00 Sara Orlesky informs us that Joe Smith is known to be a man who “beats to his own drum”. At least now we know what he was doing in those weeks when he wasn’t attending the games.

4:02 We’re treated to another one of those “profiles” that features Anthony Calvillo pointing at things and tossing a ball around. Do they do these for non-QBs or star offensive players? Does Paul McCallum’s feature him shoveling manure from in front of his house?

12:00 There appears to be a drunk-looking pelican in a ferry boat in the end zone. It looks kind of like one of the Winnipeg mascots, so we can only assume he's moved out west. If you're his friend, stand by for insufferable phone calls telling you  how great Vancouver is.

12:58 Rufus Skillern drops a pass. He gets no respect. No respect at all.

13:21 In a fantastic interview clip, Joe Smith tells us the following: “Joe does things that make Joe happy. I’m not really trying to please other people. When I please myself I go out I know my assignments and do my job well. That’s pleasing myself. If it happens to please other people so be it.” OK, we’re just going to say it: Joe Smith obviously did not spend last week’s game gardening. He was clearly spending a lot of time “beating to his own drummer”.

13:25 Suitor points out that Joe really has to please his head coach. A disturbing peak inside the workings of the Lions - or, as we like to call it, "Wally Buono's casting couch.” (Yes, we’re 15 years old.)


Jock Clime breaks the paramount “don’t mention Matt Dunigan’s coaching career" rule by asking how he handled injured players. Remember, much like the John Huard era, Matt’s coaching days never happened.

3rd Quarter

0:00 We start the quarter with a 30-second shot of Wally Buono gazing downfield, winking, spitting and looking like he just smelled something bad. It's amazing how long 30 seconds can feel.

5:24 The Als very efficiently move down the field for another TD and a 24-6 lead. This was unexpected.

6:06 While talking about how the Lions DBs were praising Mark Estelle, Suitor exclaims “OK I’m gonna watch this guy on the corner.” Does that not kind of imply that despite the fact that he’s been in the league for at least three years, the #1 colour commentator in the league hasn’t really ever noticed that Estelle existed?

7:19 Murray Clarke goes under the hood to review a fumble. He’s been in there for about 5 minutes, leading to the obvious suspicion that he's watching some sort of porn in there. If Joe Smith joins him, we'll know for sure.

10:55 Joe Smith signs the football he just scored a TD with and throws it into the crowd. But he didn’t attend the last two Lions games, so he’s clearly a jerk.

14:48 Ian Smart takes a kickoff 92 yards for another Lions TD, and we’ve got a game. This is something of a rarity when we do these things.

4th Quarter

3:00 Paris Jackson scores to take the lead for the Lions. Seems to us that the Als are great off the top running scripted plays, but have no idea each week how to adapt to other teams' adjustments.

3:43 Brian Bratton scores a long TD to reclaim the lead for the Als. Let that be the last time we attempt to offer something resembling serious analysis.

7:57 Chip Cox tries to bust through the Lions' line, but is Cox blocked by Angus Reid.

12:28 The two teams exchange interceptions as an entertaining game suddenly turns into the Timmy Chang Bowl.

13:36 The Lions bring out "the elephant team." Sharon, Lois and Bram are nowhere to be found.

14:15 In direct defiance of Suitor, BC has passed on almost every play on this last drive, as opposed to “running out the clock” (despite trailing).

14:24 With two consecutive penalties, the Lions appear to be beginning a Steven Page-esque self-destruction.

0:00 On a McCallum field goal, the Lions win. But wait - "Glen's Gladiator" is now just "the Friday Night Gladiator"? Having now lost both is mustache and his Gladiator, we have no idea how Glen Suitor goes on.

Posted on Monday, July 28, 2008 at 10:55AM by Registered CommenterRusty in | CommentsPost a Comment

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