Much unrest in Steeltown this season over a 40% increase in ticket prices, but it seems a little misplaced. Surely, 40% more money means 40% more entertainment - and 40% more wins!

In fact, we're going to go out on a limb and suggest that Ticat fans may actually get more than their money's worth. Suppose, for a moment, that they win 5 games this year. We know, we know - it sounds crazy. But hey - Casey Printers could find his form. And if it happens, they won't just be 40% better than last year's 3-win total - they'll be 66.7% better!

If that sounds too good to be true, consider last night's home opener.* At last year's opener, the Ticats disappointed their fans by scoring only five points against the Argos. This year, they literally doubled that total with a whopping 10 points against the Als! True, their opponents actually scored slightly more points this year (33) than last year (30). But not 40% more. Only the Ticats did that!

This is exciting news, because the past couple of Labour Days we've started to feel a little guilty watching the Argos so decimate the Ticats that Hamiltonians don't even have the energy to throw bottles at our heads or attempt to bite our ears. This way, the Argos should still be able to win by a convincing score - just not so convincing that it's over by the middle of the first quarter. 

So relax, Bob O'Billovich. Unpack those pink suitcases and stay a while. Casey Printers may not be in MVP form, but he's at least 40% better than Timmy Chang. And if he's healthier than usual, Jesse Lumsden might even appear in 40% of the games. Provided that the in-game crew pipes in MC Hammer proclaiming it "Hammer Time" at least 40% more often each game, you really can't go wrong.

*This is the advantage of procrastinating so long that your "previews" appear the day after the season starts.

Let the record show that it is impossible to begrudge the Ticats for signing Casey Printers. It takes a lot to make us feel sorry for Hamiltonians, but our last few visits there have almost done it. We want them to look defeated after the game...not already be resigned to victory two hours before gametime, when they're still sitting on their front lawns and haven't even had a chance to put on their shirts yet.

Let the record also show that, however rusty he may be, Printers' timing is clearly impeccable. He's arriving just a little too late for this weekend, which means Timmy Chang gets to take his show on the road. Then, with the Argos done playing the Ticats for the season, the arrival of a competent quarterback means they might actually be able to play spoiler once or twice.

Finally, let the record show that guys named Timmy and Casey would totally get beaten up in Hamilton if they weren't professional football players.

Well on their way to a third straight season of futility, it's at the point where we're almost starting to feel sorry for Ticats' fans. This is especially the case because they now have a coaching staff that's evidently never heard of the no-yards rule, which meant that they spent almost the entire game on Saturday evidently convinced they'd discovered a loophole in the CFL rulebook. "Wait…there's no fair catch…let's just hit him as soon as he catches the ball! Oh look…a flag! Must be a holding call."

That said, there's clearly at least one bright spot for Steeltown. Whatever else goes wrong, it is - and shall remain - "Hammer Time."

Honestly, we applaud the Ticats' braintrust on this one. Your city is nicknamed "The Hammer." Kids love MC Hammer. So even if not all the Ticats actually have minds to rhyme and two hyped feet, it's only natural to announce that it's "Hammer Time" (complete with a scoreboard graphic of menacing-looking hammers) every time they take the field.

Having discovered this brilliant new form of in-game entertainment at Saturday's (thoroughly enjoyable) Argos-Ticats tilt, we're almost ready to forgive Bob Young & co. for inexplicably replacing music between plays with completely random audio clips from Adam Sandler movies. But if the Ticats are going to do this, they should really do it right.

For one thing, they really need to get MC Hammer involved somehow, since otherwise there's a pretty excellent chance he's going to sue. (He seems like he could probably use the money, and he doesn't seem to be doing a whole lot other than posting Youtube clips on his blog and winning raffles.) And besides, the way things have gone the past few years, Hamilton could use a fresh start.

So enough with this "Ticats" business. We hereby call on the team to change its name to the far more winsome "Hamilton Hammertime." The next step is to replace that feline logo with this gorgeous mug. Put the cheerleaders in parachute pants, obviously. Replace Stripes and T.C. with giant inflatable MC Hammers. And top it all off by naming the man himself as the new Pigskin Pete.

You have to admit, it pretty much sells itself. Now if only we could figure out a way to get Maestro Fresh Wes involved in Argos' games...

CFL fans are undoubtedly aware of the fact that Paul Weiler, the man who played Pigskin Pete III retired at the end of last season, and that the Cats were going to be undertaking an exhaustive search for the next Pete in the off season.  Except that they didn't.

As reported by Perry Lefko at Sportsnet.ca, the team failed to hire a full-time Pete and is instead going with three different stand ins for each game. The Cats' Scott McNaughton told Lefko that "At every game this season, the spirit of Pigskin Pete will live on via three Oskee-wee-wees at Ivor Wynne Stadium -- one by a kid, one by a fan and one by a celebrity." Proving definitely that even the Ticats recognize that no kids or celebrities are also fans of the Ticats.

Now having watched the new plan in action last night, we feel comfortable in saying that it doesn't work. First of all, there were no kids cast in the Pete role and unless they are somehow counting Angelo Mosca, there was no celebrity either. Regardless of that though, a big reason that the Pete role works is that he would walk around the field interacting with fans and that is something that cannot be replicated by the army of impersonators.

So come on Hamiltonians. Run a comb through that mullet get out there and demand that someone wear the bowler hat full time. At the very least it'll take your mind off of the other on field product.  It's hammer time.

After the Rocky Butler for D.J. Flick and Wayne Smith trade, some people are wondering if there is going to be a QB controversy in Hamilton this year.  Luckily for all involved, Rocky and Jason Maas agreed to settle it like men... in the ring.  Some enterprising film makers have decided to use the story as the basis for a blockbuster film, and we here at Boatmenblog have scored a major coup by obtaining the transcript from the trailer. 

Ominous Movie Voice: A third string quarterback... waiting for his opportunity... waiting for his shot... to be #1....

"Hey Rocky, you've been traded... to Hamilton"

Ominous Movie Voice: "Rocky VII: Showdown in Steeltown.... Starring: Rocky Butler, Jason Maas, free agent DT Adriano Belli, Paulie Osbaldiston... and Mike Morreale as "Micky."

Adriano: "Don't do it Rocky. Don't fight Jason Maas.  You can't win!  You can't win!"

Rocky: "Hey, I don't want to be just another bum from the neighbourhood. And, uh, with veterans like Mick here with me, I think I could, you know, go the distance." 

Micky: "You're gonna eat lightning and you're gonna crap thunder!" 

Ozzy: "I don't want nothin' from you." [An obviously drunk Ozzy passes out]

[Shots of Rocky running past the steel mills and raising his fist triumphantly after climbing up the stairs at Ivor Wynne]

Rocky: "MAAAAAAASSSSS!!!!!!"

[Copps Coliseum is buzzing with anticipation as the two quarterbacks circle each other in the ring]

Chris Cuthbert: "I can't get over the size of those ears!"

[The fight starts and the two QB flail their arms wildly and connect with... nothing.]

Cuthbert: "The bombs these guys are throwing aren't hitting their targets, and yet they keep falling down!  It's like a stiff breeze could sack them!"

[Battered and bruised, Maas embraces Rocky as the announcer declares Maas the victor]

Maas: "Ain't gonna be no rematch"

Rocky: "Don't want one. Adriano! Adriano!"

[And all looks well in Steeltown... Until someone notices that third-string QB Richie Williams' Drunken Fan Club is approaching the stadium...]

Rocky VII: Showdown in Steeltown....Coming to you in June 2007. 

 

The first time we laid eyes on Pigskin Pete was 13 years ago, when we inexplicably ventured down the QEW with a couple of high school friends for the East Semifinal between the Ticats and the Ottawa Rough Riders. Most of the game was spent heckling Dexter Manley, which in hindsight we feel kind of bad about, but we distinctly remember watching a somewhat older gentleman using his bowler hat to lead an incomprehensible chant, and wondering what Dave Thomas was doing in Hamilton.

That was much better than one of our final encounters, at last year's Labour Day Classic, where we cringed in horror as the drunken, cigar-chomping Argo fan in front of us insisted on bellowing "FORESKIN PETE" every time the genial Ticats booster took the field. But in all the games we went to at Ivor Wynne in between, we had more than enough opportunity to appreciate Pigskin Pete as a legitimate CFL treasure. And we were secretly hoping for a meeting between him and other mascots, if only to watch him give Touche and Blitz the thrashing of a lifetime.

We have to be honest, though: Until last Friday, when he announced his retirement, it never occurred to us that there might be more than one Pigskin Pete. We'd just assumed that some guy named Pete had started doing impromptu cheerleading in the stands - sort of like Dancing Homer in that early Simpsons episode - and the team had decided to give him a regular gig. Now we find out that there were two Pigskin Petes before him - and that, shockingly, none of them were born with either "Pigskin" or "Pete" as their given names.

Anyway, all this leads us to the matter at hand. See, the Ticats have already given word that they'll be launching the search for Pigskin Pete IV in the off-season. Better still, Paul Weiler - that would be Pigskin Pete III's real name - will be actively involved in choosing a successor.

You know what you have to do. As soon as auditions are announced, bust out your best bowler hat, hire a choreographer to make sure you know just how to elicit the apprioriate "Oskee-wee-wees" and "Oskee-wa-was" from a crowd, and get your ass to Hamilton. Anyone who does so and regales us with a full account gets two free passes to the inaugural J-Dubbs Film Fest. 

Before we get started, I just want to be clear that I'm completely ashamed of myself for titling this post with a reference to a catch phrase from The Bachelor. In my defence, the one time I saw the show I was stuck in a hotel room without cable during a rainstorm. And there was no remote... and the knob on the TV was broken... and I was being forced to watch at gunpoint. Yes, I realize that I should have just partaken in the mini-bar and gone to bed. Yes, I'm an enormous loser.

Nevertheless, now that the Alouettes have signed the Bachelor to act as their fourth-string QB, we thought it might be useful to check in on which other reality stars might be heading north of the border - and where they might go.

Flava Flav (Public Enemy, The Surreal Life, Flavour of Love) - Originally we were thinking Flav might head to the Alouettes, if only because he'd always have a response when Don Matthews asks "What Time Is It?". But we have a very strict one-reality-star-per-team rule here.

Flav's preference for wearing a Viking helmet would seem to imply that he'd prefer to play for the Boatmen, and we'd certainly love to have him. After all, he could be the next Damon Allen: They're about the same age, Flav has probably been on as many reality shows as Damon has teams, they're about the same weight, and there's at least a 3% chance that Damon walks around the house wearing a set of gold teeth. Besides, Toronto hasn't had this handsome an athlete since Otis Nixon.

Richard Hatch (Survivor) - Given that he's only been convicted of the relatively minor crime of tax evasion, he could probably act as a role model to some of the Roughriders. (And yes, we know we're setting ourselves up as Argos fans. But at least give us credit for not making jokes about a fat naked gay guy trying to fit in on the Prairies.)

Ruben Studdard (American Idol) - Since the city of Hamilton is amongst the world leaders in doughnut shops per capita, we really think that Ruben could provide the local economy with a boost. And remember: He's only slightly less mobile than Danny McManus was.

Elizabeth Hasselbeck (Survivor) - All right...for the sake of all those suffering Ticats fans, we're prepared to break that one-reality-star-per-team rule. Sadly, Elizabeth probably won't be able to bring her moderately talented husband with her. But on the bright side, even she probably has a stronger arm than Jason Maas. And if the team is looking for an appropriate replacement for Craig Yeast...well, um, take it away, Wikipedia entry.

My first and possibly favourite entry on boatmenblog was used to pass along some very sage advice to the Tiger-Cats about their coaching search. Sadly, my advice has been ignored by our friends from down the road.  So instead of helping, I figure it would only be appropriate if I tried to make some money off of the Ti-Cats' misfortune.  I am, after all, the resident banker here. 

With that in mind, I present to you the odds of various Ti-Cats staffers being let go during the rest of the 2006 season: 

Lesley Stewart (10,000,000-1): Lesley seems like a pretty safe bet to make it through the season. So far she's the only Ti-Cat to steal anything from the Argos this year.

Marcello Campanaro (72-1): If firing one former McMaster head coach didn't work, why not fire a second? 

Kavis Reed (10-1): Sure, his defence has given up 100 points during the last three home games, but it's not like he's had much help. Besides, I can't imagine a team letting go of their head coach, offensive co-ordinator, and defensive co-ordinator in three separate moves during one season. Okay, maybe a team managed by J.I. Albrecht.  Maybe.

J.K. Ouellete (5-1): I'm sure he's a wonderful guy. But as Tom Bryce showed last week, if you're not drawing penalties on the opposing team, you're just not fulfilling your duties as equipment manager. 

We like Rob Katz, and not just because he's a dead ringer for Tom Sizemore. We also like him because he reacted with very good humour when we pointed out this rather uncanny likeness. Which, considering some past unpleasantness, is probably a much more civilized reaction than we would've gotten from the real Tom Sizemore.

That said, there was pretty much no way Katz was going to keep his GM's job after his pricey off-season acquisitions managed to kill off pretty much the entire Ticats coaching staff. And really, Katz probably shouldn't have been there in the first place, given his lack of football background. But be it known that if we're ever fired from a job high-profile enough to merit a press release, we'd really, really prefer that our boss not send out a press release proclaiming that since our first day on the job, our main responsibility was to find someone else to do it.

Thankfully, Katz - who seems a level-headed sort to begin with - still has a job with the organization to stop him from getting too down. That's probably a good thing - because if he starts giving any interviews like this, we might get a little bit concerned.

It's Friday night. Your Boatmenblog crew has a fridge full of an inexplicably exotic variety of beers, Swiss Chalet on the way, and the TSN panel ready to do that thing it does. Let's do this.

7:03 pm Time for a Greg Marshall debate. Shockingly, Matt Dunigan is siding with a coach he thinks was fired prematurely. Chris Schultz, normally one of the best football analysts in the country, is explaining that Marshall should've gotten more time because he had the Ticats "close to the playoffs." It's true: Another coach might've gotten them into the negative integers needed to be more than 2 points back.

7:10 pm In a feature on recent #3 overall draft pick Andy Fantuz, Adam Rita is seen grilling him at the CFL combine...on what board games he likes to play. He appears to be serious, advancing our theory that Adam Rita is high 24 hours a day.

7:13 pm Aw, crap. TSN is going with the Black/Peterson combination, which is almost enough to make us long for the old ESPN Sunday night crew. Almost. 

7:19 pm Promo for the Brian Williams/Greg Marshall interview, except the clip is just Williams staring intensely into the camera. Marshall looks confused and slightly terrified.

7:23 pm Okay, this is actually a pretty good interview, and it's absolutely impossible to dislike Marshall right now. Total standup guy. But Williams must have it written into his contract that they have to show him looking pensive at least once every 30 seconds. And if they start filming him any closer, they'll be shooting up his nostrils.

7:38 pm Kickoff time, so we get the requisite Lancaster shots. Peterson invokes the standard "the coach didn't really want to come back and coach" line. Amazing how many selfless coaches there are out there.

7:52 pm Kwame Cavil makes his first catch of the season; commences approximately 17 minutes of celebrations. As they say, act like you've been there before. Or, in this case, caught it before.

7:55 pm Taking Rod Black's description of "sauna" conditions seriously, Lancaster's got the towel draped around his neck. Looks like he's headed for the spa, or at least the steam room at the Hamilton HoJo.

7:58 pm Jason Maas attempts the ugliest shovel pass we've ever seen. Anyone else wondering if Paopao might've been the problem?

7:59 pm Ticats get the first touchdown of the Lancaster era, and it sounds like 6 people are celebrating it in their basement. Would it kill TSN to mic the crowd? 

8:01 pm Wally Buono comes on to tell us he hates cholesterol; points menacingly at the camera. How long till our half chickens, Chalet sauce and fries get here?

8:04 pm Drunken Cowbell Jenny breezes into the room; commences another rant about those kids sitting in front of us at last weekend's game. Somewhere, one of our commenters shakes his head disapprovingly. 

8:16 pm We're treated to a guy waiting in a hot dog line wearing a golf shirt that's fluorescent pink up top, fluorescent  yellow in the middle, and fluorescent green at the bottom. Nice of TSN to show us the best-dressed man in Hamilton.

8:22 pm The newly disciplined Ticats take a time-count violation inside the 10-yard line. 

8:24 pm Lancaster talks to Maas on the sideline. How many times do you think he's called him Danny so far? 

8:25 pm With a 3rd down on the Calgary 4, Hamilton attempts a toss that somehow winds up on the turf. Turnover. Paopao!

8:37 pm Black describes Sandro DeAngelis as the hottest player in the CFL. Sandro promptly misses a field goal. Don't worry...Rod still loves Sandro.

8:38 pm Swiss Chalet finally arrives. In deference to Wally Buono, we stop taking notes to start boosting our cholesterol. Rusty chugs Chalet sauce.  

8:50 pm Apparently there's still a game going on. Ticats D steps up for a goal-line stand to end the half; Ticats go to the dressing room with the lead.

9:00 pm Why is Williams berating Tom Sizemore about firing Greg Marshall? Oh, wait...that's Ticats president Rob Katz. 

9:02 pm Williams tells Katz they're running out of time; halftime marching band launches into Europe's Final Countdown in the background. Seriously. 

9:05 pm Another Ticats drive falls apart, this time ending in a Maas fumble. 

9:18 pm Lancaster looks on intently at a Ticats 3rd down gamble. Or he's looking for a cabana girl with a cold drink. We can't really tell. 

9:25 pm The Ticats flub a punt. How are they still in this? 

9:32 pm Lancaster freaks out over a flag. Or maybe just a lack of ice and/or salt for his margarita. 

9:33 pm The score remains 7-4. Rod Black earnestly proclaims it "a crazy night."

9:37 pm The Ticats' Tad Kornegay - who sounds like a character played by Ted McGinley - celebrates his fumble recovery with a shoutout to Trenton, New Jersey.

9:39 pm Do child labour laws not apply in the CFL? We don't care what his bio says...Greg Randall is not 28. 

9:42 pm Final Countdown is playing again. Damn...Hamiltonians LOVE them their Europe. 

9:48 pm Lining up for a field goal from the 1-yard-line, Hamilton keeps deliberately taking penalties; Calgary keeps declining them. This is the worst television we've seen since that guy on Angola got hit in the crotch with the soccer ball during the World Cup and lay there for five minutes with his hands down his shorts.

9:50 pm Lancaster is starting to look hungry. That 4:30 early-bird special must be starting to wear off.

9:59 pm Hey, wasn't John Lu supposed to be a sideline reporter for this game? How many injuries will it take to wrest him away from the hot Hamilton nightlife? 

10:12 pm Speaking of missing persons, whatever happened to Lancaster? It's not like TSN to go five minutes without giving us a dose of our Li'l General. 

10:14 pm Terry Vaughn just tied Darren Flutie's CFL receptions record. If there's anything about Terry Vaughn that's worth making fun of, we haven't figured it out yet. 

10:17 pm Corey Holmes takes it to the endzone; commences dance around startled linemen. Petersen suggests the linemen would be happier square dancing. Nice work playing the race card.

10:18 pm Yikes. The Stamps' Cam Yeow is on a stretcher, being loaded into an ambulance. Nobody bothers explaining what's wrong with him. Seriously, what is John Lu being paid for?

10:29 pm Sandro DeAngelis is out to try a game-tying field goal. Rod Black is going nuts. It's good! Lucky we're going to commercial...we're pretty sure Rod just had a Mike Cooper moment.   

10:31 pm Hot damn! It's a John Lu sighting! 

10:35 pm Vaughn breaks the receptions record. Hamiltonians seem to be oblivious. 

10:40 pm The camera pans to DeAngelis on the bench, literally pinching himself. Maybe someone told him about the whole Rod Black thing.

10:42 pm The Stamps shank a punt, surrendering prime field position with 30 seconds left. Isn't it the Ticats who are supposed to be doing this stuff?

10:44 pm Replacement Ticats kicker Mark Myers hits a 45-yard field goal. Jamie Boreham is officially cut. Oh, and the Ticats won. Time to bust out that eclair.

10:45 pm Lancaster grins. "You know who else is smiling right now?" Rod Black exclaims. "Greg Marshall!" Um, okay. But no smiles from us. Ticats still suck.