If Montreal’s season goes anything like its off-season, there’ll be only one word to describe it: awkward.

After a poor 2007, highlighted by his players openly criticizing his performance, Jim Popp was relieved of his coaching duties. Although he retained his GM duties, Popp decided to stay home and pout rather than attend the press conference announcing his replacement, Marc Tresman. But no worries - the new head coach wasn’t there either. Due to a personal issue, the Tresman hiring was formally announced to the media in December but the man himself didn’t actually turn up until about a month later. Awkward.

By all accounts Tresman is a very nice guy, and he did spend over 17 years in the NFL as an assistant coach and offensive co-ordinator. But that would make for a more impressive c.v. if club president Larry Smith hadn’t initially said he would be looking for a coach with proven CFL experience. So Smith was hung out to dry a bit when Tresman announced to the media that he was “excited to learn something new.” Nice to see everyone is on the same page, because otherwise it might get a little awkward too.

As for Popp’s performance as GM, the Als were one of two teams caught having violated the CFL’s salary cap in 2007. The other, Saskatchewan, was only nominally over the limit and received a small fine. Conveniently, it also won the Grey Cup. Montreal, meanwhile, was so far over the cap that it had its first-round pick in the draft taken away. Less conveniently, Popp’s overuse of someone else’s money earned the Als an 8-10 record and a third-place finish in the East, followed by a quick playoff exit. Awkward.

Popp’s offseason wasn’t much better. It wa s rumoured that Tom Canada, Dario Romero and JoJuan Armour all turned down more money from Montreal than they were being offered elsewhere. More recently came word that the Als signed running back Corey Holmes to a contract - only to have him vanish into thin air. This, admittedly, was not so much awkward as just flat-out weird.

Whether the Als have any hope of pulling themselves out of their funk probably depends on which version of Anthony Calvillo will be back this year. If they’re lucky, it’ll be the one who won the CFL Most Outstanding player award in 2004. More likely, though, it’ll be the ancient-looking ’07 model. On the bright side, Marcus Brady’s torching of the CFL’s touch-football tournament during last year’s Grey Cup festivities suggests he may be ready to take it to the next level. If only they can find some more middle-ages contest winners for him to throw to, it could be lightning in a bottle.

To give whoever’s behind centre some help, the team did sign former NFL “stars” Charles Rogers and Peter Warrick at wide receiver, the latter of whom lasted approximately 46 seconds on the roster before his release. While disappointing, this was not nearly so upsetting as the departure of Etienne Boulay for the NFL, which means Montrealers may have to start looking to the Als’ cheerleaders for their dose of cleavage. (It also means certain bloggers may have to start finding some new material.)

All told, it’s hard to see the Als finishing above even Hamilton. And if you don’t believe me, I’ve got irrefutable evidence - a Sportsnet online poll! to prove it. On the question of who will win the ’08 Grey Cup, the results went like this:

Roughriders 24%

Lions 23%

Blue Bombers 15%

Argos 11%

Stamps 10%

Eskimos 10%

Tiger Cats 5%

Allouettes 2%

Missing the playoffs in the year you are hosting the Grey Cup: awkward.

There are so many Damon Allen memories to choose from. The initial joy in seeing some skinny little kid come into the game for the Eskimos in the '87 Grey Cup, and the ensuing horror as he dismantled the Argos' defence. The glorious one-year stewardship of the late and lamented Memphis Mad Dogs (R.I.P.). The resurgence in B.C., and the next one in Toronto. The shattering of assorted records. And of course, the '04 Grey Cup - one of the all-time clutch performances, considering the guy played about 800% better that game than he had the rest of the season.

What sticks in our heads, though - because we're all about the anecdote - is a little incident at a Labour Day Classic that Damon wasn't even playing in.

It was sometime during his tenure in B.C., and because of some quirk in the schedule the Lions had arrived for the Argos' next home game before Labour Day was even done. Evidently unenthralled with whatever there was to do in Toronto at the time, they opted to cruise down the QEW to take in the action at Ivor Wynne. They may also have been drawn to the area by the annual Burlington Ribfest - truly the finest ribfest of its kind - but we digress.

Point is, we're sitting in our seats enjoying the game, when a dude in a Hawaiian shirt turns up in the aisle in front of us. He's shaking a few hands, chatting up a couple of people - and just as we realize that it's a certain legendary quarterback, the local Hamiltonian working security turns up to tell him to move along because he's blocking the aisle.

This was a quintessential CFL moment - one of the league's most prominent players not being recognized at a football stadium. But it said something about Damon, not just the league. The guy was so small and unassuming, you wouldn't have pegged him for a football star; you'd have thought he was just some regular dude 9-5ing it somewhere. And there was no pulling rank; more polite than a lot of Ivor Wynne patrons would've been, he took the hint and went back to wherever he was sitting.

Whatever ego Damon has - and one isn't entirely unwarranted when you're wearing four Grey Cup rings - we'll remember him as an ordinary guy in a league full of them. He just happened to be an ordinary guy who threw for 72,000 yards.

At first glance, CFL fans may feel that the Riders have gotten a little cocky after winning their first Grey Cup in nearly 20 years. It almost seems as though they've decided to add a degree of difficulty to their campaign to repeat.

First, head coach Kent Austin left to become the offensive coordinator at his alma matter Ol’ Miss. Then starting QB and 2007 CFL MOP (that really is a quality acronym) Kerry Joseph was traded to the Toronto Argonauts. Throw in the loss of Fred Perry and useful RB Cory Homes… and… well... perhaps after all those years of losing and cleaning house might have joined watermelon headwear as an enduring if not always explicable Rider tradition.

But at closer glance, Riders fans have to admit that last year's storybook script of a season might not have been rewritable. After all, a lot of things bounced the Rider’s way: Joseph putting it all together for an MVP season; facing a rookie QB starting his first ever game in the Grey Cup; a poor season from Calgary; Luca Congi catching fire in the playoffs; the enduring presence of Danny Maciocia in Edmonton.

There are still reasons to be optimistic for the coming season. First and foremost, Marcus Crandell actually is an experienced and serviceable CFL QB - people forget he was the Grey Cup most outstanding player for Calgary in 2001. The integration of new coach Ken Miller should be a smooth one; apparently Miller called 95% of the plays last year, which might explain Kent Austin’s success given his abysmal play calling during the short-lived Ricky Williams era in Toronto. Throw in a year of playoff experience, a deep offensive line and the great Ronald Flemons (from all of us here in Toronto – you’re welcome, Saskatchewan). Oh, and Maciocia is still in Edmonton.

I'm predicting a second-place finish in a tight Western conference. with avoiding injuries and the integration of Crandell into the offense being the key for the Riders.

As an assed bonus, reason #239 why I like the CFL:

After trading for Hamilton’s pick in the final round of the CFL draft, the Roughriders selected the University of Regina Rams star quarterback – and two-time finalist for the Hec Crighton Trophy – Teale Orban (or is that Orban Teale)? The move made so much sense (draft a local kid from a local school to give the rabid fan base even more to get excited about), I seriously doubted it would happen. Yes, the lack of an import quota for quarterbacks will not help him, and there may be added pressure to play him if he looks even remotely up to it. But this was still a no-brainer and in a sports world sometimes gone mad (Maciocia), I do feel it is important to celebrate the no-brainers that do actually happen.

I'm sure this will just play into the whole "East Coast bias" feeling that some of the league's left coast supporters point to, but generally the Lions have been a completely forgettable foe over the last number of years.  Obviously they've had some great teams, but the only real reminder I get that they're in the league are the Wally Buono chloseterol ads.

The Lions have been effective at finding little known guys to play big roles, meaning you never notice any big free agent signings, they play the majority of their games at a time when I've usually gone out for the evening and unless they're in the Grey Cup or hosting it, you're liable to see 10 Lions fans all of Grey Cup week. 

Completely forgettable. 

Which is a shame because Wally is always good for a few hissy fits every year, you never know when one of the players is going to be tasered (you're safe now, TJ Acree) and they always play an interesting offensive style.  Maybe that should be my new season resolution. Pay more attention to the Lions.  Onwards to the offseason movement:

• While the big off-season question has been Jackson or Pierce, I'm guessing that this battle is already over. It's plain to see that Buck used his clout to make sure that he no longer had the most ridiculous name on the roster and I'm guessing he can't go to the well twice. Enter Rolly Lumbala.  Buck, Rolly... We're a "Nails" and a "Duke" away from a WWII platoon.
• Jason Jimenez appealed his one game suspension for breaking Anthony Gargiulo's leg last year and while this has probably been resolved, who cares? Jimenez and Rob Murphy will just find another way to get suspended in the exhibition game. Tim Cheatwood's apparently available again - I'm sure he'd fit in nicely with the "total asshole" theme the Lions have been gunning for.
• Seems that there is a possibility that Cam Wake could get out of his three year deal with the Lions allowing him the chance to explore his NFL options. As unsolicited advice: Go for it Cameron.  Don't turn into the next Joe Montford or Tim Cofield. (Actually, to avoid this you probably just need to avoid becoming a high profile addition to the Argos. But you get the point).

Finally, we were very pleased to see the Lions organization reach out and help the troubled BC forestry industry. Ensuring that the man who consumes nearly one third of all toothpicks produced in North America is in the province ensuring lower shipping costs will surely be appreciated and makes for great PR for the team. Welcome back, Roy. 

After taking a few months off to recharge our batteries and question a higher power that would allow the Riders to win a Grey Cup (we're only now over it), we're back and ready to continue our efforts to bring about the end of civilization.

As we start our third year of this endeavour, we promise that we will continue to search for the lighter side of the most enjoyable league in the country and that we will continue to have an unhealthy fascination with Pinball Clemons and stadium scoreboard races.

In the weeks leading up to the season, we will be rolling out of team previews to help you get caught up on all of the changes made in the offseson.  The departures of Kent Austin and Scott Coe, the re-emergence of Roy Shivers, the big Ronald Flemons trade.... wait a minute...
Is that a Matt Dunigan cooking show? 

It's going to be a good year.

The obvious lessons from this past weekend have already been well-documented. Toronto's capable of hosting a very decent Grey Cup, Saskatchewanians travel rather well and Lenny Kravitz really needs to invest in some new jeans. But over the course of four or five days of drinking and cavorting, you learn a few other things as well. And so we share with you our accumulated wisdom, in the form of 10 lessons that you can take home to impress all of your friends at Regina's swankiest cocktail parties:

1.) What happens in Edmonton should stay in Edmonton. To be clear, we thoroughly enjoy the Spirit of Edmonton breakfast. Copious drinking at 9:00 a.m., with hung-over cheerleaders doing extensive routines in the middle of the room? You really can't beat that. But we had a bad feeling when the MC kept promising us a "real treat" - the "Edmonton Festival City Road Show." At first, it didn't seem quite as weird as we had feared. While opening with a flexible woman dangling from a rope for about 10 minutes was a curious choice, the combination of African drums, Irish dancing and Scottish bagpipes that followed - surely a scene that plays out on many an Edmonton street corner - was quite charming. But then things took a turn for the bizarre. We really can't do this justice, except to say that it involved a middle-aged female lounge singer belting out inspirational songs while a becostumed gentleman introduced as "Randall Fraser, stiltwalker" teetered around on stilts and twirled ribbons in the air. We'll say this for it - it was nothing if not "festive." (And in case you're wondering - yes, Randall Fraser is a member of the Edmonton Stiltwalkers Society. Book him now for your holiday party!)

2.) Dave Dickenson might not be quite the hot offseason commodity you think he is. We feel a little bad about this, because Dickenson seems like a really nice guy and concussion-related problems are unfortunate. Also, he's surprisingly tiny in person, which is always endearing in football players. But while the likes of Henry Burris and Marcus Brady were tearing up Thursday's touch-football tournament, featuring CFL quarterbacks playing with regular-guy teammates, Dickenson had his problems. The low point came when the bespectacled fellow counting steamboats chased him at least 10 yards into the backfield, then somehow forced a fumble despite this being a non-contact game. We'd expect that sort of thing from Kurt Warner, maybe, but it's not going to cut it in the CFL.

3.) Power tools + excessive drinking = good times. In the list of all-time bad ideas, this one has to be up there. As legions of drunks staggered through the convention centre on Saturday afternoon, they were presented with a contest that involved operating a power drill. If they could drill five holes in under 10 seconds, they won. We're not exactly sure what they won, because the one member of our group to try it took roughly 26 minutes. But since he escaped with both his hands intact, we'll declare him a winner anyway.

4.) Riders fans are really, really committed to this whole green thing. Walking into the Rogers Centre for Sunday's game, we were delayed slightly as security lifted the giant foam green helmet off the Saskatchewanian in front of us and inspected underneath. When he was greeted with a quizzical look, the security guy offered a reasonable explanation: "I already found weed under one of these earlier."

5.) Big and Rich own the Grey Cup. Who are Big and Rich, you ask? Those would be the guys responsible for the country hit "Save a Horse (Ride a Cowboy)". For roughly 361 days per year, we manage to avoid this thing. But for some reason, it's absolutely inescapable at Grey Cup parties. We're firmly of the belief that this song should never be played in a room that doesn't have a mechanical bull (with or without Cody Pickett), but maybe it all makes sense if you're from the West.

6.) It's never too early for Steve Hayman to bring his A-game. As always at the Spirit of Edmonton Breakfast (which, as you can see, is really a goldmine for material), we were treated to an MC making assorted jokes that range from the corny to the slightly blue. For a guy trying to work a room full of drunks on a Saturday morning, he did a fair job. But he had nothing on the leader of the beloved Argonotes, who came equipped with a dizzying array of one-liners - among them a solid one about Saskatchewan poised to match the number of Grey Cups won by Sarnia and Queen's University, and...well, truthfully, we can't remember the others, on account of the nature of the event. But trust us, he was very funny. And we maintain that the Argonotes' cover of BTO's Ain't Seen Nothing Yet is genuinely more enjoyable than the original.

7.) A good pipe-metal band can save even the lamest party. After some great showings at past Grey Cups, this year's Schooner party - the one endearingly hosted by the folks who want a CFL team out east - was a bit of a disaster. Courtesy of slow and surly service provided by Convention Centre staff, plus overflow from Riderville, the entire room was basically just a lineup for the bar. But then along came the Mudmen, and all was right with the world. Either ten years behind its time or ten years ahead of it, this winning ensemble consists mostly of several bagpipers who look distinctly like bikers, fronted by a dude who appears to be channelling Fred Durst. Maybe it was just relief that they didn't do a take on "Save a Horse (Ride a Cowboy)," but we can honestly say we enjoyed their hard-rocking, hard-piping set - especially when they closed with a rousing chant of "DRINK! FIGHT! DRINK! FIGHT!", which offered the fleeting hope that they were mere moments away from beating the hell out of the Convention Centre staff.

8.) So can cheerleaders for a non-existent team. Granted, it turned out they were just the Brock University cheerleaders in different outfits. But still, the presence of a Schooners cheerleadings squad - despite the pesky failure of the Schooners' to actually exist - sent an important message: It's possible to skip owning the team and go straight to the cheerleaders. If only someone had told Lonie Glieberman about this, we all could have been spared a lot of headaches.

9.) Don't mix your pipers and your cheerleaders. As you can see, large men playing bagpipes and small women in skimpy clothing are two of our favourite Grey Cup mainstays. But at Friday's Touchdown Manitoba party at the Hilton, disaster nearly struck. After the Blue Lightning had wrapped up a lengthy and very energetic set, a narrow passageway was formed through the crowd for them to make their exit single-file. But as they began to make use of it, the next performers - the Winnipeg police department's pipe band - began using the same passageway to advance toward the stage. Disaster nearly struck, before the cheerleaders frantically scampered out of the way before being steamrolled by the pipers.   

10.) If you're having a "hand show," we know the man for you. On Saturday afternoon, wandering around the Convention Centre, we received a very enticing text message. "Shoomy going on hand show with Ben Cahoon," it promised. "Come quick!" As disturbing as this sounded, we hurried over - only to discover that it wasn't quite as obscene as might have been expected. As it turned out, Boatmenblog contributor Shoomy was merely going on a game show with Ben Cahoon; the whole "hand" business was attributable to some well-refreshed texting by another member of our group. All the same, we were pleased to watch as Shoomy out-trash-talked two other contestants before a jury made up of Cahoon and Video on Trial regulars to take home a brand-new barbecue. So the story had a happy ending - if not quite the happy ending implied by the original message.   

With Kerry Joseph having done the expected and taken home the MOP award last night, we felt obliged to get to know him a little better. And so we found ourselves at his personal website, notable mostly for an "Ask KJ" section in which he appears to personally respond to every e-mail he receives.

Mostly, this means there is a lot - a lot - about God, along with tantalizing factoids like his close friendship with Yo Murphy (possibly giving us some competition in our ongoing quest to become the world's most recognized expert on Yo Murphy). But for sheer creepiness, nothing in the most recent edition beats what appears to be an application from someone named Shirley to become Kerry's surrogate mom:

"I am so proud of you. You know what I am saying. Your mom must be busting her buttons watching you. I am your mother's age with two sons who are athletic and I know how she must be feeling. I am a post-secodary educator who has two brown sons who always participated in sports. I am so sorry that your mom can not be here for you, but always know that I am. I would love to meet you. This can be on a neutral grounds. it is so imnportant that young people feel they have support. I just watched your latest game against the HTC and I said, there goes Kerry, he loves to score a touch down. Please if you wantyour mom to attend, know she has a safe plae to stay. I AM SO PROUD OF YOU. I live in Reina. If you want to meet with my sons, Jo-Jo and Willie, call me. I would love for you to meet them and I also want your mom to feel secure in having a "safe" place to stay."

We don't mean to pick on Shirley, who's probably very well-intentioned. But we can sort of see why Kerry responds with a briskly diplomatic "My mom enjoys watching the games on TV,  I know she is behind me 100%" and moves on to the next question without even offering his customary blessing. As a general rule, we tend to avoid people who offer to meet on "neutral ground," unless we're supposed to be meeting them to sign a peace treaty.

OK, so despite the fact that the Argos failed to make it, we're very much looking forward to the festivities of Grey Cup week. But before we put the East final to bed, we have one last story to pass along.

After the game we were walking up John Street when two fans decided that they couldn't wait until they made it to their destination and started to relive themselves on the CBC building. Not too much notable there, Chris Walby probably does this every couple of weeks. However, just 20 feet away stood a gentlemen who was watching the scene unfold and shaking his head very slightly. His mouth slightly agape, his eyes projecting the look of a man who was watching the most horrific scene of his life play out...

So have a great time during Grey Cup week. Enjoy the city and the new friends you are sure to make.  Just don't take a piss on the CBC building.  Peter Mansbridge might not be able to handle it happening again. 

As we try to get past Sunday's...unpleasantness and gear up for the Grey Cup festivities, we turn things over to the president of the Jerome Davis Fan Club for a suitably sombre edition of his semi-regular feature.

***

Thing #1: Those who actually managed to avoid watching the East Final might look back on Michael Bishop’s stats (370 yards passing, no interceptions and a touchdown run) and conclude maybe his performance wasn’t so bad. Those people need to know the cold, hard truth: He wasn’t just bad – he was awful.

Most perplexing (aside from the obvious play selection and abysmal execution) was that Bishop appeared to spend most of the game trying to pump himself up. Why was he jumping up and down in the huddle when it was obvious that what he needed to do was calm down, slow the game down, throw some short passes, move the chains and get better field position? The offence moved when he threw underneath and let his playmakers make plays – John Avery on screens, Arland Bruce on the huge catch and run. Somebody needs to explain this to Bishop before Rusty’s head explodes.

Thing #2: Some negative media attention notwithstanding, the fans - as opposed to, say, the offence - deserve some credit. The announced crowd was around 33,500, but it felt like a packed house. The Rogers centre was absolutely thunderous at times – which is all the more impressive considering how little the team actually gave its supporters to cheer about. Despite trailing by at least two quarters at all points after the first quarter, the Argo faithful continued to rally behind the team, feverishly doing all they could to light a spark under the Double Blue and bring about a momentum change that never happened. While the calls may have gone unanswered, they were certainly there.

Thing #3: Enough with the reports of fans chanting for Damon Allen, which only happened after they showed him on the sidelines on the Jumbotron. It was a classless move by whoever operates that thing. As bad as Bishop was, showing him up in the middle of the game certainly wasn’t going to help.

Thing #4: Those got out of their seats at halftime missed the riveting half time performance of... the St Michaels College Drum Line??? Did someone forget to tell the organizers that this was the East Division Final, or did we just blow all our entertainment money on Lenny Kravitz?

My suggestion: Why not follow up Mrs. Pinball Clemons wonderful national anthem performance with a further preview of the Grey Cup “Gospel Explosion”? Personally, I'd have settled for a minor gospel eruption or even a premature gospel…well, you can see where I'm going for this. But honestly, the gospel explosion is a good cause and some kind or Grey Cup linked half-time show would have been more appropriate than a bunch of disinterested looking high school kids. Then again, if they watched the first half, perhaps we shouldn't be holding the "disinterested" part against them.