BC at Winnipeg

One of the interesting things about twitter is following players who are no longer in the league.  This week we got two disturbing glimpses into the lives of retired players.  The first was Damon Allen’s “planking”,  which was at least impressive in the sense that he was able to get up on top of the golf cart at age 85.

While Damon seems to be enjoying retirement, on the other end we’ve got Casey Printers who is apparently training to be a fashion model.  Do fashion models need to work well with others?  No?  OK, then good career choice Casey, I’m sure you’ll have a long second career.

Pick: Winnipeg

Montreal at Hamilton

So Calvillo might not be able to go?  This is the best quarterback related news for Hamilton since Timmy Chang got arrested.

Pick: Hamilton

Toronto at Edmonton

Wait the Esks are 2 games up in the West even after having used a second round pick in the draft on a guy who played for U of T?  Huh.  Looks like they made a number of good decisions in the offseason that are paying off handsomely for the team.

Well, except for the decision to have each of the players have their signature up on the website.  Some of them are questionable (I mean come on, that penmanship is atrocious).

Pick: Toronto

Calgary at Saskatchewan

So the Stamps (most notably Rambo) have been disappointed with the booing at home games this year.  Now most people would say that the easiest way to remedy this is to play better and that the fans will come around. 

Not me though. 

Look Stamps players, you’re playing in a place where too much is expected.  The team’s been good in the post-Feterik years... the price of oil looks like it’ll head over $100/bbl for another extended period... real estate prices remain strong, unemployment and taxes are low... Take the easy way out.  Go to a place where none of those factors are in play and demand a trade to London, Ontario... or Hamilton... Hamilton might be easier.

Pick: Saskatchewan

Bonus pick: 

All of the Argos have somehow been injured in practice, leaving Pinball to play the Eskimos by himself. Compounding matters, the Eskies sign the new super-athlete, Alex Trebek.  How does Pinball do?*

Boatmenblog Pick:

Damn it, Trebek is a non-import too.  Good move Edmonton, good move. 

Trebek isn’t much on offence but significantly upgrades Edmonton’s ability to chase down Pinball in the open field.  Going into the half with only a 35 point lead, Pinball challenges Trebek’s sidekick Watson to an impromptu halftime Jeopardy match.  With no pesky judges on hand, Pinball gives a 15 minute question to the first answer confusing Trebek to the point where he takes a nap for the second half.  Pinball romps in the second half.

Final: Pinball 105  Eskimos 0

And for the record, Pinball’s question was correct.  As if there were any doubt.

I've really got to be posting here more often... Week 5 of last year? Wow, that's awhile. 

Now that I've said that, of course there's no time for a proper preview, so we'll get to the important part:

Bonus Pick:
All of the Argos have been injured in practice leaving Pinball to play the Bombers by himself. Compounding the problem is that in honour of the return of the NHL the Bombers have been allowed to use jets on the field.  How does Pinball do?

Boatmenblog Pick: First of all, kudos to the Bombers for sticking to the ratio and using some Bombardier jets, that's a classy move.  Pinball's advantage in this game will be that he has more energy than what is contained in jet fuel.

The first half is a bit of a defensive struggle with Pinball keeping the jets from landing in the end zone.  After a stirring halftime speech liberally using the terms "sweet spot" and "family" the jets fly off to deliver food to hungry children around the world, making the second half slightly easier for Pinball... Not that it would have impacted the final score much.

Pinball  361  Bombers & Jets 2

Hey, first place in the East!  Never in doubt. 

Never...

in...

doubt...

Fourteen wins in a row coming up.  Now, what’s up next.... at Mon.... aw shit.

Toronto at Montreal

Maybe I’m alone on this, but is the apparent ease that Marc Trestman has been having in the CFL tarnish Don Matthews’ legacy a little bit?  You know even more than the ’08 Argos stint did. 

On a more serious note, we’re a little perturbed by the decision to fine Rob Murphy.  Hopefully, this doesn’t deter our favourite players from being themselves on their respective twitter feeds. Also this kind of screws up our "who will be fined the most by the league this year" pool.  One of us had Belli, the other Murphy.  I think we need a ruling on if twitter related offences count.

Pick: Toronto

Bonus Pick:

All of the Argos are stuck on a VIA Rail train, so they do the only logical thing: get Pinball to play the Als by himself.  Complicating matters is that Jim Popp has invoked a little known rule to force Pinball to play the game while in a straight jacket. How does Pinball do?

Boatmenblog Pick: Pinball’s less well publicized defensive skills really shine through here. While turnovers are limited, he is able to successfully hurl himself at the Alouette ball carriers limiting them to just 42 yards in net offence.

Things are a little tougher than usual on offence as it takes Pinball awhile to perfect his technique (he settles on picking the ball up by the laces with his teeth) hence the nail bitter of a game.

Pinball 77  Als 0

I kind of like these short weeks, it feels like there are more games to look forward to.

Anyway, the TSX has been up for a few days, I went over .500 on the picks last week and the Argos are in first place... RUN!

Calgary at Toronto

You would think in a city the size of Toronto it would be relatively easy to rent a lemon costume, but nope.  We’ve looked high and low and found nothing so far.

A prediction though, if Cleo continues to play like he did last week, you’ll be seeing a lot more slutty lemons this Halloween. (How quickly would the Gliebermans have jumped on a slutty lemon costume contest if Cleo was on the Renegades?  For that matter, how long would it have taken them to jump on a slutty lemon?)

Pick: Toronto

Toronto at Winnipeg:

Wow did Buck Pierce ever play well against the Cats last week.  It was almost enough to make me wish that the Argos had taken the plunge on him. Of course he’s bound to get injured again, so that becomes our new task: figure out how Buck will get injured this year. 

My pick? A trip downtown goes horribly awry when a gust of wind at Portage and Main gives him a concussion.

Pick: Toronto

Calgary at Hamilton:

I know that Buck Pierce can run a little bit, but the Cats are going to need to come up with a strategy to stop the QB from running the ball. Otherwise, Henry Burris might get all the way to Burlington before the Ti-Cats do.

Pick: Hamilton

Saskatchewan at BC

I don’t think I can say it any better, so I’m just going to paraphrase something a friend in Saskatoon sent to me this week.

New rule for the Riders huddle this week: Take a 12-pack of Pil out to the huddle on every play. If all of them have been passed out and you’re still in the huddle, get the hell out!

Pick: Saskatchewan

Montreal at Edmonton

Jeers to the Alouettes for removing all of the interesting information about its players from its website.  Most teams when you click on the “personal” section of a player’s bio have a paragraph or so of information... Crucial information when you “write” a blog that attempts to bring some humour to the game. 

Please think of the bloggers Als webmaster. Or at the very least, write something in Adrian McPherson’s bio indicating that he possibly made more money from being hit by a golf cart being driven by a guy in a raccoon costume than he will from playing football.

Pick: Montreal

Bonus Pick:

All of the Argos have been injured in practice, so they do the only logical thing: get Pinball to play the Bombers by himself.  Complicating matters is that the Bombers have successfully petitioned the league to force Pinball to play the game while in a La-Z-Boy. How does Pinball do?

Boatmenblog Pick: This is certainly one of Pinball’s greatest challenges yet and he has some trouble early getting stopped on his first possession giving up a first quarter FG. After he discovers that he can use the recliner to launch himself through the air and that the chair swivels (allowing him to gain tough yards on the few second and short plays that are needed) it’s all over.  As if there was any doubt.

Pinball 276  Bombers 4

Ok time for another season of terrible CFL predictions and snarky comments... Until of course real life gets in the way and we disappear for a month or two.  On to the picks:

Montreal at Saskatchewan:

Over/under on the number of 13^th man references made by tonight’s TV crew: 10.5. 

Over/under on the number of years spent in prison by Riders fans who attack the guy who will inevitably bring a “fear the 13^th man” sign?  30.5.

Pick: Montreal

Toronto at Calgary

“... and so it was ordained that a citrus would lead them to victory.”  I think that was from The Odyssey.  Anyway, we’re now officially prepared for tonight’s Cleo Lemon start. The fridge is full of Mill Street Lemon Tea beer and if the team somehow finds itself behind we’ve got the “rally limoncello”. Hopefully things don’t get too rowdy and no one pulls an Ed Philion (while having a drink dive at the knees of the person next to you).

Pick: Toronto

Hamilton at Winnipeg

So apparently Troy Westwood is applying for Wipeout Canada, which if his audition tape is any indication, is a show about being squirted with a lot of water guns. While I applaud Little Hawk’s initiative, if we’re going to see a former Bomber fall flat on his face, isn’t the obvious candidate Mike Kelly?

Pick: Hamilton

BC at Edmonton

Casey Printers was 1-4 last year with the Lions?  Really?  That doesn’t seem right. 

While the Leos may not be favoured to top the standings this year, with the addition of Dane Randolph to veterans Korey Banks and Tad Crawford they have once again secured their spot as the CFL team with the most players that sound like 80s movie villains. Nice job.

Pick: Edmonton

Bonus Pick:

All of the Argos have been injured in practice, so they do the only logical thing: get Pinball to play the Stamps by himself.  Complicating matters is that the Stamps have fielded a team full of G-20 riot cops and protesters. How does Pinball do?

Boatmenblog Pick: In the first half, Pinball decides to take the end zone by force, deftly avoiding  thrown bricks and bouncing off of riot shields on his way to an early 70-0 lead. During half time, he goes to the Stamps locker room and in a speech for the ages brings together the protesters and police.  With his opponents spending much of the second half hugging, Pinball waltzes to a 352-0 victory.

Bonus Pick:

All of the Argos have been cut by Bart Andrus, leaving Pinball to play the Lions himself. Complicating matters is that the dastardly Wally Buono has somehow reconfigured the SkyDome floor to have numerous trap doors, much like a Pinball machine. How does Pinball do?

Boatmenblog Pick: Before we get to the pick, I'd like to point out something that I found bizarre while researching this. (Yes, these Pinball picks take research.  What did you think we did, just made them up?) We were going to try to make a reference to a famous pinball machine. Then realizing that one wasn't immediately coming to mind, we decided to google "best selling pinball machine".  It's an Addams Family game that came out in 1992.  You'd think that with all of the arcades, bowling alleys, basements and somewhat creepy neighbours houses that there would be one iconic pinball machine.  Apparently not.  The obvious reason, they all balked at even attempting to overshadow Pinball Clemons.

While Wally may think that all the new-fangled trap doors are enough to stop the older Pinball, Pinner is able to easily adapt and in fact uses some of the defensive lineman as bumpers to careen around the field and past Wally's obstacles. Things go from bad to worse for the Lions when Pinball goes down the tunnel at the half and what should emerge but not one, but two Pinballs.  Bonus Round! 

Final score: Pinball 472 points and 106 free games.  Lions 2

Calgary v. Edmonton

Look, could the Esks please just go out and buy the domain name eskimos.com already?  Right now it goes to a site that links to "CFL fan jewelry" and a "Hispanic dating network", which I imagine is a small pool in Edmonton.

One can only hope that "CFL fan jewelry" involves pieces featuring CFL fans.  I'll take the gold necklace of the guy wearing the watermelon.

Pick: Calgary

BC v. Toronto

Sadly, we've been hearing some reports of fighting between the Argos receivers and the defensive backs.  This all could have been avoided if the receivers were actually able to get away from defenders.

Pick: Toronto (no, seriously)

Montreal v. Winnipeg

Two somewhat related questions... when was the last time a CFL team recorded back-to-back shutouts and what are the odds that a concussion keeps Michael Bishop out this week? 

Pick: Montreal

Hamilton v. Saskatchewan

Umm... What the hell is going on?  Could someone please send Casey Printers back to Steeltown?  Time to do my part.

Pick: Hamilton

(Pinball pick hopefully coming before Friday's game)

Bonus Pick:

All of the Argos have been injured in practice, leaving Pinball to play the Riders himself. Pinball is a man of compassion, but this might be taking it too far. In order to show solidarity with Arland Bruce III, Pinball develops sympathy hemorrhoids. How does Pinball do?

Boatmenblog Pick: Well this might be the most uncomfortable bonus pick we've ever done. Pinball quickly realizes that running isn't really an option and so he proceeds to play that game while running on his hands. While this is impressive in and of itself, Pinball further surprises the fans by scoring the decisive twentieth touchdown by using one hand in a spring like fashion pushing himself off of the ground and landing in the end zone 70 yards away.  Tackling was a bit of an issue for Pinner this week, hence the closer score.  Pinball 142  Riders 26

* Everything we need to know about football analysis, we learned from early ‘90s SNL sketches.

Edmonton at Montreal
Wow, that Eskimos-Bombers game last week was pretty much the typical CFL game:

• A somewhat inexplicable to U.S. football fans score of 2-2.

• A temper tantrum by a star player

• An exciting finish featuring a rouge

• A Jesse Lumsden injury

Poor Jesse. It’s not his fault that he seems to have the durability of that old brown banana that you have sitting in the back of the fridge. So I guess the question becomes, what does Jesse do from here?

Well you’re asking the wrong guy. My medical knowledge comes exclusively from the autopsy scenes in Law and Order. So I may be able to tell you that he suffered blunt force trauma to the shoulder, but he’s not dead and we already know who did it. See? Useless.

In the mean time, Calvin McCarty looks like a good back and maybe Arkee Whitlock works out but really whenever the Esks have a returner, receiver or running back go down, our refrain will be the same. Bring back Gizmo.

Pick: Montreal

Calgary at Winnipeg
The most remarkable part about the Derick Armstrong story to me isn’t that the Bombers tried to have him come in as a substitute and it isn’t that he hasn’t reacted well to the “demotion”. It’s that the Bombers tried to get Matt Dominguez but were rebuffed when he decided not to leave his job at a Regina based realtor. That’s at least 100x worse than Rob Waldrop not coming back to the Argos to go to a Sheriff’s Academy in California.

Pick: Calgary

Hamilton at BC
Wait, the Ticats are going to be missing both Terry Caulley and Tre Smith, Nick Setta is somewhat banged up, they’ve been moving players to different positions “to see where they can help us” and they get to play the late game in B.C. where no eastern team has won probably since the last time Pinball played. Looks like I can go to a bar on Friday night that doesn’t have a TV.

Pick: BC

Saskatchewan at Toronto
I don’t think I’ve ever seen a game with 15 combined turnovers like the Lions and Riders had last week. It was a close game and all, but with offences so ugly, you would have thought that Gary Etcheverry was a head coach in that game as opposed to a defensive co-ordinator. Anyway, with three interceptions and one fumble the meaning of Darian Durant’s sloppy seconds has been redefined.

Pick: Toronto