We're genuinely sorry to hear the news of Don Matthews' apparent health problems, cited as the reason for his departure from the Als. Despite having become somewhat of a nemesis to the Argos in Montreal, he did deliver two Grey Cups to Toronto and has been a source of innovation and excitement in the CFL for as long as we've been following the league. He was also especially talented at pissing off the Montreal media, which can't be a bad thing.

We look forward to the day, twenty years from now, when Matthews' general surliness is described as "gritty" or "tough," and to being there when he's inducted into the CFL Hall of Fame. By "being there" we pretty well mean being in a bar somewhere watching the game on TV, but we'll at least raise a pint to The Don.

Now that we've gotten that out of the way, a few lingering questions and thoughts about Wednesday's announcement:

• If (God forbid) The Don needs to have an operation, will Jack Todd be there to ask scalpers how much they're getting for seats in the operating theatre?

•  If this is in any way related to our suggestion that The Don try to spruce up the Als-Lions rivalry by taunting Wally Buono with delicious, high-cholesterol poutine, we sincerely apologize.

• If there's a silver lining to this whole thing, it's valuable medical information it's provided - namely, that incuabtion time for the stress caused by "Ted White Is My QB In The East Final Syndrome" is approximately 2 years. 

• Wait a minute... is this all just a ploy by the Als to get someone to send them a backup QB as a get-well-soon present?

• Dare we hope that, as opposed to being sick in the sense of illness, The Don is just sick in the sense of his hit single? Because if that's what he means by being too sick for the Als, we're going to stop typing right now and go pray that he'll hereby be spending his time collaborating with Shake Severs.

Even in Toronto's cuthroat sports blogging market, we're prepared to concede when we've been bested. So full credit to Raptorblog - which, we learn from Chris Young's reliably enjoyable JABS, has brought on Butch Carter as a new contributor.

For the uninitiated, or the forgetful, Butch was briefly the most successful coach in Raptors history (admittedly not saying that much, but still). But he's better remembered for the spectacular meltdown that saw him celebrating the team's first playoff appearance by simultaneously launching a $5-million defamation suit against former Raptor Marcus Camby (for calling him a "liar") and a bizarre coup attempt in which he very publicly tried to take then-GM Glen Grunwald's job.

This obviously makes the decision to convert Butch into a blogger one a thoroughly brilliant one. Considering all the crazy stuff Butch was doing when the Raptors were paying his bills, we can only imagine what he'll come up with when he's freelancing his opinions. 

But if there's one thing better than a slightly unhinged  ex-coach offering daily analysis of his former team, it's a completely unhinged ex-coach offering detailed analysis of his former team. And so, clearly, there's only one thing for us to do now that Raptorblog has forced our hand.

We have no idea what John Huard is up to these days, and frankly we don't really want to know, because there's an excellent chance it's something vaguely creepy. But whatever it is, we need him to drop it forthwith. Because if there's ever a man who was born to blog, surely it's that guy...and our next choice, John Faragalli, actually appears to have a job.

Okay, maybe not quite daily. But in honour of the Argos' back-to-back games against the Eskimos, beginning with the forthcoming Turkey Day matchup, we're going to do our best to celebrate the CFL's most singularly entertaining coach. And no, we won't rest until we've found that clip of him running onto the field a play early to celebrate Edmonton's Grey Cup win.

We stand by our assessment that Maciocia is the Ozzie Guillen of the CFL - partly because his team appeared to win a championship in spite of him, and partly because he seemed very close to duplicating this classic Ozzie moment with Jason Maas after a recent Esks/Ticats game. But for now, we're going to take you back...all the way back to his proud days fighting for equality and justice.

Allow us to set the scene.  It's Montreal, somewhere in the early 1990s, and a young Georges Laraque is a two-sport threat. One day, however, the time comes for him to decide whether to go with football or hockey - and he opts for the latter. So he goes to his midget football coach, one Danny Maciocia, to give him the bad news. And what happens? Well, take it away, Georges:

"He said there's no brothers in hockey and you're not going to make it in the NHL. He said, 'Stay with football.' I told him no, and he was so disappointed."

Maciocia!

I'd prefer to avoid mentioning that A-Rad and I both hit the Marty York line last week, and will instead say that if you're not reading "Out of Left Field" from Neate Sager (and you should be), then you missed the Frank D'Angelo joke we wish we had made. Brilliant line. Go have a look, we'll be here when you get back.

Rusty's Picks:

Montreal at Winnipeg:

Dear Jack Todd and other members of the Montreal media,

On behalf of a selection of East division fans, I’d sincerely like to thank you for your recent calls for the ouster of Don Matthews. Your ridiculous assertions that the coach with the most Grey Cup appearances and regular season victories should be fired because he’s surly have brought joy to us all. Using a claim that scalpers aren’t making as much money from a sold-out stadium as they used to as a legitimate reason to fire a coach who is still technically in first place… magnifique! Please keep up all the good work.

Sincerely,

Fans of the Argos, Ti-Cats and Bombers

Pick: Winnipeg

BC at Hamilton:

Lions receiver T.J. Acree was apparently tasered outside a Vancouver sushi bar sometime last month.

I have to admit, when I heard the words “tasered” and “professional football player,” I didn’t immediately think of the words “sushi bar”. Maybe sake is more potent than we realized. That, or this is just how Wally Buono motivates his players. Luckily, Acree hasn't actually caught a pass since the incident. If this had actually worked, we might have seen a fried Dave Dickenson this week.

Now that tasering has been proven ineffective, Vegas has set the odds on the police method Wally Buono use will to motivate his players at:

Tear Gas 20-1

Billy Club 10-1

Needless Parking Tickets 1-5

Pick: BC

Calgary at Toronto:

# of the Blue Thunder that Reality TV Star Nick Lachey has expressed interest in having relations with: 2

# of Outriders that Reality TV Star Nick Lachey has expressed interest in having relations with: 0

We only have a few rules around here: 1) Never pick against the Argos... 2) Never imply that Pinball is anything less than the greatest football player of all-time and 3) Following reality TV stars taste in women will never lead you astray. (And yes, I realize that #1 means that #3 is superfluous).

Pick: Toronto

Edmonton at Saskatchewan:

I’m having a lot of trouble coming up with anything for this game. Let’s just re-print Danny Maccocia’s horoscope:

Gemini: “This week the stars have aligned in perfect balance for you. Decisions that seemed murky will become crystal clear and everything will fall into place. Unfortunately, by that time you’ll already be on the plane back to Edmonton. Don’t piss off the stars by celebrating early during the Grey Cup.” 

Pick: Saskatchewan

A-Rad's picks:  

Montreal at Winnipeg 

Everyone seems to have an opinion on where it all went wrong for the Als. Me, I blame it on the jerk who threw peanuts at me as we were leaving Molson Stadium in August. Since then, the Als haven't won a game. Isn't karma a bitch? 

The encouraging news for Als fans is that Ed Philion organized a players-only dinner the other night to try to get things sorted out. The less encouraging news is that he probably spent the entire meal under the table diving at their knees. 

Pick: Montreal 

BC at Hamilton 

So, Wally Buono. We all know you're not a quitter, except when it comes to cholesterol. So I can only assume that you'll seek sweet, sweet redemption this week by sending out Paul McCallum to kick it through the end zone every time you get inside the 40. After all, this is the one team you can probably beat doing that.

Pick: BC 

Calgary at Toronto

Argos fans, at least those who spend a lot of time on our favourite message board, are familiar with Ping. For this game, Ping is promising to bring all his friends for the biggest pre-game tailgate of the year. For the record, Ping is this guy. If you're going to this thing, as we will be, a helmet might be a good idea.

Pick: Toronto   

Edmonton at Saskatchewan

Good news, Edmontonians. Sure, your team's having its worst season in three-and-a-half decades, it just got beaten twice in a row by a team that previously went four games without scoring a touchdown, and its coach has been revealed as the CFL's answer to Ozzie Guillen. But help is on the way! Soon, the poor man's Terry Bradshaw will do for you what he did for the '04 Stamps. And if nothing else, his conversations with Danny Maciocia are going to be fantastic.

Pick: Saskatchewan 

Bonus pick: 

All of the Argos have somehow been injured in practice, leaving Pinball to play the Stamps by himself.  Noting that it's Ladies Night at the Rogers Center, and knowing that Pinball would never harm the fairer sex, Tom Higgins replaces his Stampeders with Canada's National Women's Rugby team. How does Pinball do?*

Rusty's Pick: Diane Clemons 104  Stamps 0  (Pinball decides that the only way to handle the situation is to return to the sidelines to help call plays for his wife Diane.  After performing a 14-minute version of O Canada, Mrs. Pinball proceeds to run around, over and through the "Stamps".)

A-Rad's pick: Pinball 2, Stamps 0. (Pinball knows that the only graceful way out of this situation is to charm the ladies out of their pants (not literally). This being Pinball, he has little trouble doing so. By kickoff, they're so enamoured that they agree to take a knee in the end zone, then forego the rest of the game for a night on the town. No word if Malcolm Gladwell tags along as Pinball's wing-man.)

* = Everything we need to know about football analysis, we learned from early '90s SNL sketches. 

In the unlikely event that you haven't heard, Saturday's Argos/Stamps rematch will be "all about the women." It's unfortunate that this game's on CBC, rather than TSN, because nothing says "all about the women" quite like constant updates on the temperature inside Rod Black's pants. And since the game's not against the Als, there's no chance to thrill female audiences with some sort of reality star showdown between Jesse Palmer and Blue Thunder stalker Nick Lachey. But it's still possible to make Ladies' Night an event to remember, if only the Argos follow a few simple steps:

• With the Stamps in town, give women what they want: all Scott Coe, all the time.
  

• To get the alumni involved, designate a special Andre Rison section. Everyone goes home with a new baby, free of charge! (Note: "free of charge" does not apply to Bad Moon himself.
  

• Please, please, do not bring cheerleaders from 30 years ago back to say hello. We're sure they're very nice. We have no illusions that any of us, male and female alike, are immune from aging. But we don't know anyone who doesn't feel vaguely uncomfortable around middle-aged cheerleaders.
  

• No matter how much money he offers, do not let Frank D'Angelo serenade the winner of the Miss Argo contest with some 45-minute take on "Here She Comes, Miss America." Also, don't let him convince you that this is the prime opportunity for him and Ben Johnson to dress up in drag for one of their hit commercials. Nobody needs to see that.

• Whatever it takes, find a way to get the Winnipeg cheerleaders involved. Admittedly, this may be better suited to "Gentleman's Night" than "Ladies Night." But considering what they did in Regina, these girls really need to be set loose in a city with more than 200,000 people at some point.
  

A few random notes in honour of, um, it being Wednesday...

• Over the last number of years we've read countless complaints - usually made by fans (some of whom are also journalists) of teams from the West Division - that the league or the media are giving teams from the East preferential treatment.  We're not here to debate whether or not that's correct (note: it's not), but we would like to offer a compromise:  Next year, we'll give you guys the "advantage" if you'll allow us to enter the shamefully exclusive Safeway Touchdown to Win.  Deal?

• Bravo to the Argos for running a story on their official site that basically could have been boiled down to 7 words:  Nick Lachey wants to "romance" Argos' Cheerleaders. 
  

• We'll no doubt have more to say on this as the season goes on, but kudos to TSN and the CFL for the Top 50 Players program.  It looks like they've put together a great list of 185 candidates.  That being said, we were a little hurt that Boatmen Blog wasn't approached to be a judge for this event.  Our invite must have gotten lost in the mail.  That's okay, though -   some of the best and brightest writers and broadcasters aren't on the list either, so it must have been difficult to make the ch....  Wait a minute. Steve Simmons is on this panel?  The guy who wrote an article before the 2004 Grey Cup saying that it would be better for the Argos if they lost the game?  That guy?....  You're dead to us, TSN.

• In case you're wondering, our vote would (obviously) go to Pinball.... We'll let you have the other 184, who we all know Pinball could beat playing by himself, even if he was injected with a flu virus by Wally Buono, shrunken by Don Matthews or forced to listen to Frank D'Angelo music the entire game.
  

We know...Saturday night was ugly. Even if you didn't go 0-4 in your weekly picks (or as we call it, "taking a trip to Marty York country"), you're probably looking for a little solace after spending the last two nights having nightmares about the Argos throwing another useless pass to the flats and punting it away on third down. Luckily, there are plenty of ways to look on the bright side of life. Allow us to present a few of them, to help you get through the week:

• No matter how many stupid mistakes the Argos made on Saturday, and there were plenty, they had absolutely nothing on Wally Buono's failed attempt at cleverness yesterday afternoon. Fittingly, for a guy who routinely leaps on his high horse to accuse other teams of "embarrassing" the game, Buono wound up costing his Lions a win against the 'Riders by trying to make a mockery of the CFL's overtime format. For those who missed it, Buono's stroke of genius came with the game tied, the 'Riders having missed a field goal on their first OT possession and the Lions taking possession at the Saskatchewan 35. The normal strategy would've been to run a couple of conservative plays to move the ball forward a bit, then attempt a field goal for the win. Instead, hoping for what would've been the cheapest win of the season, Buono immediately sent out Paul McCallum to kick it through the end-zone for a game-winning rouge. Our first thought was how unsportsmanlike it was. Our second thought was that it was Paul McCallum, back at the scene of the crime, and that booting it through the end zone from back there (especially on a punt, rather than a field goal attempt) wasn't quite a sure thing. Sure enough, the 'Riders caught the punt and returned it out of the end zone, and minutes later Andy Fantuz sunk the Lions' battleship with a dramatic touchdown. Usually, Wally waits until November for this sort of meltdown, but we're sure the 'Riders aren't complaining.

• Courtesy of the latest "upset" against the Als, we now have a tie between the Als, the Argos and the Bombers for first in the East - also known as the hottest three-way action this side of whatever Spergon Wynn was involved in this weekend.

• Courtesy of the muted TV in the bar where we watched Saturday's game, we now know there's one way to spruce up even the most depressing loss - closed captioning. We'd normally suggest that whatever computerized system the CBC was using for this, it might do better just to hire someone who's actually watched a football game at some point in his life. But then, that would have deprived us of reading of the exploits of "Recchi Williams" and "Day Money Allen." It's like Chris Berman, if Chris Berman were a robot. Also, if Chris Berman were in any way even remotely entertaining.

• If nothing else, the Argos' road trip was worth it for giving Ricky (sorry, "Recchi") Williams a chance to strut around Calgary in cowboy boots and a cowboy hat. If we'd known there was even a remote chance of hanging out with Ricky at this place, we'd have been on the first flight to Cowtown.

• After playing here roughly every three weeks for most of the season, the Argos will have home games four of the next five weekends to close our the regular season. In spite of the official letters of protest already submitted by our livers, we're deeply looking forward to this.

• If nothing else works, do what the rest of us do and gaze fondly at the photo of Boatmenblog's Rusty, surrounded by a pair of cheerleaders and the Argos' unfailingly stylish in-game host, being honoured as "season ticket holder of the game" with a satellite radio. It was nice of the Argos to simulate our fourth-quarter perspective by making the photo as blurry as possible.
  

So after 10 weeks A-Rad and I are tied with 21-14 records. He's obviously been cheating. Onwards to week 15:

Rusty's Picks:

Hamilton at Edmonton

Why don't we make the stakes for this one more interesting (i.e. interesting at all).  If Edmonton wins, Mookie Mitchell gets to sit in with the CBC panel during the Divisional Semi games. If Hamilton wins, then Rob Hitchcock gets to. Deal?

Pick: Edmonton

Toronto at Calgary

With all of the trick plays and different formations that the Stampeders have been using, Steve Buratto appears to be earning a reputation as the CFL's greatest magician. 

"And now, the Great Burratini will attempt his newest and most difficult trick... Convincing all of the attendees on the Stampeders Coaches Cruise to go skinny-dipping."

Pick: Toronto

Winnipeg at Montreal

I probably shouldn't be mentioning this, but in the last six weeks these teams have combined for the same number of wins that Hamilton had last week. Even worse news for their fans: It looks like Rod Black will be calling this game on Sunday.  For those of you who will be watching this one in a bar that doesn't have the sound on, here's what you'll be missing:

When Winnipeg has the ball:  Milt Stegall..... Milt Stegall.... Milt Stegall.... Charles Roberts.... Milt Stegall.... Derick Armstrong.... Milt Stegall....

When Montreal has the ball:  Milt Stegall.... Milt Stegall.... Ben Cahoon.... Anthony Calvillo... Milt Stegall

Pick: Montreal

BC at Saskatchewan

Given the success of the Banjo Bowl, if I were CFL Commissioner for a day, I'd force all games involving Saskatchewan to have their own special name and trophy.  So I hereby dub BC vs. Saskatchewan "The Manure Match". Sadly, no matter who wins this one, Paul McCallum is going to end up feeling like a loser. 

Pick: BC

A-Rad's picks:

Hamilton at Edmonton 

Bizarrely, last week's matchup between these godawful teams apparently got the weekend's best TV ratings. The only possible explanation for this is that fans were tuning in to see if this was the episode Danny and Jason finally kissed. That, or they wanted to see if Ron Lancaster would get so frustrated that his head would finally blow clean off his body. But if this didn't do it, nothing will.

Pick: Edmonton 

Toronto at Calgary 

Ricky's not the only Williams back in the lineup; apparently John Williams is back in uniform as well. Which brings me to this: Did anybody else notice that, while he was off with a concussion, J-Dubbs' brain was still working well enough for him to review Miami Vice? Having seen Miami Vice, that doesn't really surprise me. But what does it say about the brain capacity of your average film critic?

Pick: Toronto 

Winnipeg at Montreal 

Rumours are flying that Don Matthews is on his way out of Montreal, to be replaced by Jim Barker. That's an excellent plan - what time wouldn't want to imitate the success the Argos had going from Matthews to Barker in '98? But fear not, Als fans - you'll love the jumbo formation. Maybe Barker can even lure Peewee Smith out of retirement to serve as quarterback again.

Pick: Montreal 

BC at Saskatchewan 

I wasn't really sure what to write for this one, so I figured it might be fun to Google newly acquired 'Riders receiver Yo Murphy (who really needs to officially add an exclamation mark after his first name) and see what came up. Sadly, there was nothing all that juicy. But I did his entry on BlinkBits, which I guess is sort of a poor man's Wikipedia. There's nothing all that juicy there, either, but there is a section that asks visitors who they "consider to be the worlds most recognized expert on Yo Murphy."

I now know my true calling in life. I will not rest until I've become the world's most recognized expert on Yo Murphy.

Pick: BC 

Bonus pick: 

All of the Argos have somehow been injured in practice, leaving Pinball to play the Stamps by himself. To "help" him, the league allows a special last-minute roster exemption so that he can be joined on the field by his new fashion buddies, Ted Danson and Malcolm Gladwell. How do Pinball, the increasingly evil-looking Ted Danson and Malcolm Gladwell do?*

Editor's note: Rusty's mind is so blown by this possibility that he's literally unable to comprehend it. In fact, he's been rendered completely incapacitated.

A-Rad's pick: Pinball 94, Stamps 7 (Sadly, Pinball's new friends aren't much help. Unable to fit a helmet over his massive afro, Gladwell is knocked unconscious on the game's first play. Danson, meanwhile, gets an objectionable conduct penalty for turning up in blackface, leading to the Stamps' first and only touchdown Luckily, it is Pinball, so once he has those two off the field he proceeds to outscore the Stamps 94-0.)

* = Everything we need to know about football analysis, we learned from early '90s SNL sketches.

Real life has gotten in the way slightly the past week, which is why we've been offering fewer ruminations that usual. To make up for lost time, it seems reasonably to revive Argo Notes. No, not the delightful pep band, which remains alive and well - just a roundup of a few things that don't quite merit full items, in this case extending beyond Argoland and into the broader CFL:

•  It always seems weird to describe CFL players as overrated, considering we're talking about a league where players work in big-box stores in the off-season. But as good a quarterback as he is, Dave Dickenson might be getting there - as evidenced by this TSN feature, which puts him atop a list of Most Offensive Player candidates. "Say what you want about Buck Pierce," TSN tells us, "but the Lions' offence kicks into another gear when Dickenson is behind centre." We see their point - Pierce's QB rating of 111.7 is embarrassingly low next to Dickenson's 112.5. So low, in fact, that it completely negates the fact that his completion rate is 5% higher, and that he's actually capable of finishing a game once or twice a season.

• Speaking of TSN, we spent a quiet Saturday night last weekend watching the double-header - Ticats/Eskimos on TSN, and Als/Lions on CBC. Incidentally, the brief overlap between the two was the first time we can remember ever flipping between two CFL games. But that's not the point. The point is this: How is it possible that Khari Jones, who as far as we know had never worked as a colour commentator before doing the late gane, was already more professional than Leif Peterson, who does it as a career?
  

• According to Ed Hervey, "There's a difference between playing football in the CFL and playing Eskimo football." We'd suggest the difference this year is that everyone else plays 60 minute games and the Eskimos only show up for the first 59, but according to Hervey it's that "Eskimo football is everyone sticking together" and "check(ing)  your ego at the door," whereas  everyone else is "playing for the money...playing for the bonuses...playing for the glamour."  Now, it's pretty well-established that we love the CFL to something approaching an unhealthy degree. But if you're playing in this league for the money or the glamour, you've got some serious problems.

• We're not style experts, by any stretch. But we're pretty sure this is officially the weirdest fashion campaign out there. Pinball Clemons, Ted Danson, and Malcolm Gladwell? For the uninitiated, Malcolm Gladwell is this guy. If we can find a way to work him into this week's bonus question, we'll truly have achieved perfection.

• We've avoided trying to get clever about the Miss Argo contest, because they all seem like nice girls (even if they haven't quite brought it like the exemplary Blue Lightning.) But we're highly intrigued by Shannon K's explanation that "to be on a professional cheerleading team with a football organization of this calibre still shocks me every day after working with minor football leagues for many years." Cheerleaders work their way up through the minors before hitting the big time? We had no idea. And do cheerleading farm teams follow the usual pattern, with a few promising rookies and a bunch of journey (wo)men on the downswings of their careers, drinking a little too heavily and quietly resenting their younger teammates as they stretch out their careers for as long as possible? Because we had kind of assumed those cheerleaders just went to Hamilton. 

We have little doubt that the Argos will triumph this weekend over Judge Doom and his hated band of horsemen. But we're a little concerned about their ability to celebrate it.

The Stamps have clearly established themselves as the CFL's champions of the touchdown celebration - commendably raising the ire of Danny Maciocia, who's sort of like our version of Joe Buck (although we suspect Joe Buck would probably be a better coach). As for the Argos...well, that thing where they put the ball in the middle and all fall over is nice and all. But it's no 4x100 metre relay. So in the interest of ensuring that the Argos top the Stamps in every aspect of the game, we're going to selflessly share our best material.

See, some of us (um, one of us) have been developing something special for our flag football league - a multi-part celebration that carries a narrative through a full game. Problem is, this particular celebration would require us to personally score at least five (ideally six) touchdowns in one game, which seems improbable. But as we all know, Pinball alone could score at least that many in the first quarter. With the entire team on board, the sky's the limit.

A word of caution: This requires some advance planning. You're going to need a chair, a diaper, a graduation cap, a chair, some handkerchiefs, a bag of mini-footballs, a birthday hat, some cake and ideally a fake diploma. So basically, you're going to need a guy whose sole job is to stand in the end zone preparing this stuff. We're thinking Dan Giancola is probably available, or failing that Shake Severs.

Without further ado, here's the plan for what we're terming (until we come up with a better name) the Who's Your Daddy?

Touchdown #1: This one's pretty easy. Player who scores touchdown takes ball and places it under jersey, simulating pregnancy. Begins rubbing belly. Teammate arrives, places hand over teammate's belly, and moves hand to simulate response to kicking. Both players giggle, hug, then leave the end zone. (Approximate level of super-awesomeness: 6.0)

Touchdown #2: This part ain't gonna be pretty; in fact, it'll probably be pretty awkward. But it's entirely necessary to carry the narrative forward. In short, the "pregnant" player needs to simulate labour, eventually resulting in the ball being "born." We're going to leave it to the players' discretion to determine how exactly to pull this one off. But we're thinking the quicker it can be done, the fewer women are going to start throwing stuff at the field. (Approximate level of super-awesomeness: 4.0)

Touchdown #3: Finally, our first prop. And it's a nice, simple one to start with. All the player needs to do is acquire the diaper from Giancola (or Shake Severs), gently lay the ball on the turf, and attach the diaper accordingly. If this is done quickly and efficiently, there may also be time to pick the diapered ball up and gently rock it to sleep. (Approximate level of super-awesomeness: 7.0)

Touchdown #4: As we track the football's journey through life, it's time for a birthday party. This, naturally, is where the little footballs and the cake come in. Place your football on the turf, and attach the birthday hat. Put all his little football friends around him. Divvy up the cake. It's all pretty obvious, really. (Approximate level of super-awesomeness: 8.0)

Touchdown #5: It's always tricky to bring religion into end-zone celebrations, but here it's totally necessary. In fact, we'd be fully prepared to convert for this one. Because really, what could be better than marking your touchdown with a truly kick-ass bar mitzvah? For the sake of brevity, and because the crowd's appetite for Torah readings and the dispensing of gifts is probably pretty limited, the players should skip straight to the fun part - hoisting the football (which ideally will be wearing a yarmulke) onto a chair and carrying him around in a celebratory dance. Players who really want to "go there" might consider staging a bris after one of the earlier touchdowns, but that might cross the line, and would probably draw a taunting penalty. (Approximate level of super-awesomeness: 10.0.)

Touchdown #6: It's time for the emotional climax. It's time for graduation, which means the football is wearing the appropriate headwear. The players place the fake diploma beside it, stand back, pull out the handkerchiefs, and commence dabbing of eyes. Their little football is all grown up! (Approximate level of super-awesomeness: off the charts)

No need to thank us. Just make sure to bring a camera, because it's going to be spectacular.