We have little doubt that the Argos will triumph this weekend over Judge Doom and his hated band of horsemen. But we're a little concerned about their ability to celebrate it.

The Stamps have clearly established themselves as the CFL's champions of the touchdown celebration - commendably raising the ire of Danny Maciocia, who's sort of like our version of Joe Buck (although we suspect Joe Buck would probably be a better coach). As for the Argos...well, that thing where they put the ball in the middle and all fall over is nice and all. But it's no 4x100 metre relay. So in the interest of ensuring that the Argos top the Stamps in every aspect of the game, we're going to selflessly share our best material.

See, some of us (um, one of us) have been developing something special for our flag football league - a multi-part celebration that carries a narrative through a full game. Problem is, this particular celebration would require us to personally score at least five (ideally six) touchdowns in one game, which seems improbable. But as we all know, Pinball alone could score at least that many in the first quarter. With the entire team on board, the sky's the limit.

A word of caution: This requires some advance planning. You're going to need a chair, a diaper, a graduation cap, a chair, some handkerchiefs, a bag of mini-footballs, a birthday hat, some cake and ideally a fake diploma. So basically, you're going to need a guy whose sole job is to stand in the end zone preparing this stuff. We're thinking Dan Giancola is probably available, or failing that Shake Severs.

Without further ado, here's the plan for what we're terming (until we come up with a better name) the Who's Your Daddy?

Touchdown #1: This one's pretty easy. Player who scores touchdown takes ball and places it under jersey, simulating pregnancy. Begins rubbing belly. Teammate arrives, places hand over teammate's belly, and moves hand to simulate response to kicking. Both players giggle, hug, then leave the end zone. (Approximate level of super-awesomeness: 6.0)

Touchdown #2: This part ain't gonna be pretty; in fact, it'll probably be pretty awkward. But it's entirely necessary to carry the narrative forward. In short, the "pregnant" player needs to simulate labour, eventually resulting in the ball being "born." We're going to leave it to the players' discretion to determine how exactly to pull this one off. But we're thinking the quicker it can be done, the fewer women are going to start throwing stuff at the field. (Approximate level of super-awesomeness: 4.0)

Touchdown #3: Finally, our first prop. And it's a nice, simple one to start with. All the player needs to do is acquire the diaper from Giancola (or Shake Severs), gently lay the ball on the turf, and attach the diaper accordingly. If this is done quickly and efficiently, there may also be time to pick the diapered ball up and gently rock it to sleep. (Approximate level of super-awesomeness: 7.0)

Touchdown #4: As we track the football's journey through life, it's time for a birthday party. This, naturally, is where the little footballs and the cake come in. Place your football on the turf, and attach the birthday hat. Put all his little football friends around him. Divvy up the cake. It's all pretty obvious, really. (Approximate level of super-awesomeness: 8.0)

Touchdown #5: It's always tricky to bring religion into end-zone celebrations, but here it's totally necessary. In fact, we'd be fully prepared to convert for this one. Because really, what could be better than marking your touchdown with a truly kick-ass bar mitzvah? For the sake of brevity, and because the crowd's appetite for Torah readings and the dispensing of gifts is probably pretty limited, the players should skip straight to the fun part - hoisting the football (which ideally will be wearing a yarmulke) onto a chair and carrying him around in a celebratory dance. Players who really want to "go there" might consider staging a bris after one of the earlier touchdowns, but that might cross the line, and would probably draw a taunting penalty. (Approximate level of super-awesomeness: 10.0.)

Touchdown #6: It's time for the emotional climax. It's time for graduation, which means the football is wearing the appropriate headwear. The players place the fake diploma beside it, stand back, pull out the handkerchiefs, and commence dabbing of eyes. Their little football is all grown up! (Approximate level of super-awesomeness: off the charts)

No need to thank us. Just make sure to bring a camera, because it's going to be spectacular.