Sign #542: They signed receivers that graduated from Duke and the University of North Carolina on the same day.

"The Kissing Bandit" - not the new Argos DTWhen we heard that the Argos had signed The Kissing Bandit, we were admittedly a little surprised, as according to a number of different sources, Morganna the Kissing Bandit retired over 7 years ago.

Sadly, delving further into the story of the Argos signing, we found out that the new defensive tackle is an imposter. Which is a shame, really.  If there's one thing that the CFL needs, it's a person with absurdly large breasts running around kissing people.  

OK, someone who is not Etienne Boulay. 

Well, this is disappointing - and not just because we always assumed that if Frank D'Angelo asked anyone to "seize and desist," it would be us.

See, we'd always kind of assumed Frank was in on the joke. But is it possible that he's actually not? Is it possible that he thinks those Ben Johnson commercials are actually brilliant marketing? That we're all crazy-impressed that he gets to hang out with hockey players in his spare time, trading totally unscripted banter about his beer? That his band is invited to play halftime so often because fans absolutely love it? That Argos players hang out at Forget About It after games because it's their favourite spot in town? That Steelback actually tastes good?

We're going to seize now, before we get ourselves in trouble. But let's just say this situation may be more dire than we realized.

It's nearing that midpoint of the season when we start to go into potentially dangerous CFL withdrawal. So it's entirely possible we were hallucinating tonight when we saw a report about two hot prospects the Argos are auditioning.

After all, we were in a bar...and the sound was off...and Pinball was wearing a pinstripe suit inside a practice bubble. But so far as we could tell, that was Mike McMahon throwing the ball. And the guy catching it was Freddie friggin' Mitchell.

Honestly, we don't know what to think of this. On one hand, this is not exactly the combo we were hoping would lead the Argos into their Grey Cup-hosting year. On the other, we've been a little starved for material lately. And around the point The People's Champ is shocking the world by not knowing the names of the Saskatchewan Roughriders' secondary, we're going to have material to spare.  

Update: On the bright side, at least Freddie's learned to stop trying to "boil the ocean." He's also the oldest-looking 28-year-old we've seen in a while - unliike McMahon, who has "charm and charisma" and thus a place in Adam Rita's heart. 

The question I was asked the most during this week at work was whether or not Indy would cover the spread (it should be noted that prior to Grey Cup my co-workers just asked who I was cheering for without the spread being mentioned, but that's a rant for another time).  In any case, it brings up a good question.  If you are an Argo fan, without a gambling interest, who do you cheer for tomorrow?

Well, Indianapolis has two key things going for it. 
Federekeil - who we selfishly hope is an Argo ASAPFirst, as every media outlet has reported this week, Indy employs the Argos first round pick from last year and argofans.com member, Dan Federkeil.  Secondly, the Colts did CFL fans an enormous favour by using Kerwin Bell as a backup QB for a year.

That being said, Indy is also the team that cut former Argo Mike Vanderjagt, and they employ Peyton Manning, which cancels out the positives.

With that in mind, I think that we'll simply steal a page from the Baltimore fans who come to Grey Cup every year.  This year we're cheering for beer. 

After the Rocky Butler for D.J. Flick and Wayne Smith trade, some people are wondering if there is going to be a QB controversy in Hamilton this year.  Luckily for all involved, Rocky and Jason Maas agreed to settle it like men... in the ring.  Some enterprising film makers have decided to use the story as the basis for a blockbuster film, and we here at Boatmenblog have scored a major coup by obtaining the transcript from the trailer. 

Ominous Movie Voice: A third string quarterback... waiting for his opportunity... waiting for his shot... to be #1....

"Hey Rocky, you've been traded... to Hamilton"

Ominous Movie Voice: "Rocky VII: Showdown in Steeltown.... Starring: Rocky Butler, Jason Maas, free agent DT Adriano Belli, Paulie Osbaldiston... and Mike Morreale as "Micky."

Adriano: "Don't do it Rocky. Don't fight Jason Maas.  You can't win!  You can't win!"

Rocky: "Hey, I don't want to be just another bum from the neighbourhood. And, uh, with veterans like Mick here with me, I think I could, you know, go the distance." 

Micky: "You're gonna eat lightning and you're gonna crap thunder!" 

Ozzy: "I don't want nothin' from you." [An obviously drunk Ozzy passes out]

[Shots of Rocky running past the steel mills and raising his fist triumphantly after climbing up the stairs at Ivor Wynne]

Rocky: "MAAAAAAASSSSS!!!!!!"

[Copps Coliseum is buzzing with anticipation as the two quarterbacks circle each other in the ring]

Chris Cuthbert: "I can't get over the size of those ears!"

[The fight starts and the two QB flail their arms wildly and connect with... nothing.]

Cuthbert: "The bombs these guys are throwing aren't hitting their targets, and yet they keep falling down!  It's like a stiff breeze could sack them!"

[Battered and bruised, Maas embraces Rocky as the announcer declares Maas the victor]

Maas: "Ain't gonna be no rematch"

Rocky: "Don't want one. Adriano! Adriano!"

[And all looks well in Steeltown... Until someone notices that third-string QB Richie Williams' Drunken Fan Club is approaching the stadium...]

Rocky VII: Showdown in Steeltown....Coming to you in June 2007. 

In a lot of ways athletes who used to play for your favourite team are very similar to former high school flames.  Once you stop seeing them, you generally stop wondering what they're up to and just assume that they are still an awkward 17 year old kid.  Ok, maybe they're not as similar as I thought.

In any case, after he left the Argos I assumed that Andre Rison would write a book, or land a job in the Arena League or with the Oakland Raiders.  Unfortunately, I was wrong.  Instead Andre, along with Kordell Stewart, is promoting the next season of Spike TV's "Pros Vs. Joes".  Luckily for us, Spike invited deadspin.com to challenge Andre.  We highly recommend you spend a few minutes reading their account. 

Now I've got to admit that seeing Andre in a #80 jersey instead of his Argos #3 was a little hard to take... OK, maybe retired athletes and old flames are pretty similar. 

What, you haven't been counting down the days until the 2007 Grey Cup?

CFL fans based in Toronto are obviously very excited to get a chance to show the country our passion for Canadian football, and a great weekend of partying.  To that end, we are very excited by a project from our friends at argofans.com who will be publishing a free Grey Cup guide for fans. The guide will have maps, event listings and coupons and should be useful for anyone looking to navigate their way through Canada's biggest party in Canada's biggest city.  To sign up to receive the guide, simply go to this link.

We should also point out that if you have a non-Frank D'Angelo affiliated business that is interested in reaching an audience of people from across the country, you can get advertising details here.

Thanks to Mark at argofans for spear heading this project, and for giving us a good excuse to finally start using the Grey Cup 2007 tag.

With it being well into 2007, we thought we'd steal a page from every media outlet/blogger/writer/drunken New Year's Eve partier and take a look back at some of our favourite people of 2006. Some impressed. Some dazzled. Most just amused, and only occasionally intentionally. Enjoy. (And we promise to finish this up before training camps open).

Number 5: Rod Black

Moist.  Glistening.  Clean shaven.

Rod looking a bit more comfortablePrior to this year, none of these adjectives could have been used to describe CFL play-by-play man Rod Black, but one off hand comment to a friend of radio host Barry Taylor at a Ticats-Stamps game, and now they're all in play. Quite frankly it didn't matter what he did for the rest of the season.  For us, 2006 will always mark the year that we became haunted by the image of Rod Black's balls.

With it being well into 2007, we thought we'd steal a page from every media outlet/blogger/writer/drunken New Year's Eve partier and take a look back at some of our favourite people of 2006. Some impressed. Some dazzled. Most just amused, and only occasionally intentionally. Enjoy. (And we promise to finish this up before training camps open)

Number 6: Shake Severs

It would be criminal of us not to recognize the contributions this year of Mr. Shake Severs. Sure, he may have played somewhat poorly at the start of the year.  And, yes he became a big enough distraction on a team that featured Ricky and Bernard Williams that he was released, but he did help the Argos out immensly by choosing his rap career over a stint in Winnipeg.  Given how close the East semi was, a Bomber receiving corps featuring Uncle Milty, Derrick Armstrong and Shake Severs may have put Winnipeg over the top.

The UGA mascot apparently had no love for Shake Severs' rhymes while he was at AuburnOur lone disappointment was that Shake was unable to secure a place on the Grey Cup week bill with Tom Cochrane and the Winnipeg Symphony Orchestra.  Maybe next year.

For thwrating the hopes of the Bombers, and releasing his much anticipated followup to It's Critical (thank you to commenter Big Lou for the heads up), Shake Severs receives the prestigous honour of being number 6 on our top 10 of '06.