Well, we’re almost there. We are three weeks away from the biggest game in the country. Nelly Furtado is ready. Our livers are ready, and as we speak Wally Buono is coming up with a way to muck up the BC Lions chances. Let’s see what the league has in store for us in the interim.

Rusty's Picks:

Winnipeg at Toronto

Admittedly, I can’t even begin to talk about this game in anything approaching an objective manner. So while the following might help the Argos, they certainly won’t need to follow any of these suggestions to destroy the Bombers.

Argos’ Keys to the Game:

1. Don’t Read the National Post

While the Post has excellent Argos and CFL coverage, I must caution anyone from the Argos organization from reading this weekend's sports section. As some of you may remember (OK, probably just me, because I remember useless crap like this) Post reporter Sean Fitz-Gerald picked the Argos to lose every game in the 2004 playoffs. Even the game against Hamilton. It got to the point where we knew that the Grey Cup was in the bag once Fitz-Gerald picked the Lions. In this weekend's edition, though… not good news for Argos fans.

2. Shave “Not the Real” Greg Marshall’s Mustache

If there’s anything that we’ve learned from Rod Black this season, it’s that shaving one’s mustache can have a dramatic effect on the temperature inside that person’s undergarments. (Umm…new readers may want to familiarize themselves with this.)

So, no mustache on “Not the Real” Greg Marshall equals an uncomfortable moisture situation (for all involved), which equals poor defensive play calling, which leads to an Argos victory.

Don’t thank me. Thank Rod Black’s balls.

3. Use D’Angelo to Your Advantage

Tell Frank that his new buddies on the Blue Bombers have requested to be serenaded by the sweet, sweet sounds of the Steelback 2-4 before the game. If loud, slightly tolerable noises drove out Noriega, imagine what Frankie would do to Doug Berry.

Pick: Toronto

Saskatchewan v. Calgary

This one’s too close to call, so let’s look at how Saskatchewan’s nemesis (Henry Burris) and Calgary’s nemesis (some sort of gopher) match up.

Burris:

-destroys defensive backs
- has his own SportsCentre commercial
- watches teammates' elaborate dance routines
- throws bombs to Nik Lewis

Gopher:

- destroys golf courses
- has his own movie
- started his own dance craze
- avoids bombs thrown by Bill Murray

Well, we have an obvious winner here. So despite the fact that Calgary has a better team, and has been lights-out at home…

Pick: Saskatchewan

A-Rad's picks: 

Winnipeg at Toronto 

There are many, many good reasons the Argos must win this game. For one thing, we don't want to spend the next seven months being despondent. For another, we don't want to have to bail Rusty out after he goes on a post-game rampage and throws someone out a window...unless that someone is Frank D'Angelo, who we're apparently stuck with for years to come now that Ottawa has been spared the pleasure of his company. But more than anything else, I absolutely refuse to consider the possibility of the Argos being knocked out by a team that's celebrating its first playoff appearance in years by turning its website into a Nelly Furtado fan site.

Incidentally, the immortal Marty York definitively states that this game "will draw 30,000 fans, at most." This strikes me as improbable. But even if the Argos only get 29,000 people out, the good news is that it'll still be 28,999 more than read Marty York's column. (And yes, I'm inexplicably that one reader.) 

Pick: Toronto 

Saskatchewan at Calgary

So now Ralph Klein says he's okay with Gainer the Gopher crossing provincial lines, because he's "looking forward to Ralph the Dog chasing the gopher." When you think about it, it's only reasonable that the two Ralphs would feel a certain kindship. Because if there's ever been a drunker looking mascot than this thing, I've yet to see it.
 
But to be honest, should the Argos and Stamps meet in the Grey Cup, I'm much more concerned about the Stamps' other mascot. After R. Jay Soward's alleged run-in with USC's Traveler, I'm terrified of what might if he encounters the creatively named Stampeder Touchdown Horse.  

Pick: Calgary 

Bonus pick: 

All of the Argos have been injured in practice, leaving Pinball to play the Bombers by himself. To show his support for the CFL's most controversial mascot, Pinball decides to play the entire game in a Gainer the Gopher costume. How does Pinball do?*

Rusty's Pick: Pinball 612, Bombers 0. (Upon seeing "Gainer" on the field, the Bombers assume they're at a Roughriders home playoff game - and are so convinced they're dreaming that they don't even take the field until midway through the first quarter. Pinball has already built up a 63-0 lead by that point...a pace, naturally, that he maintains even once the Bombers are on the field.)

A-Rad's pick: Pinball 412, Bombers 7 (Pinball's uncharacteristically tight win is beyond his control. Up 405-0 through three quarters, he spends the fourth being chased by a drunk Ralph Klein and an even drunker Ralph the Dog. But the real problem is that he's unable to move because he's surrounded by thousands of Saskatchewanians, all bowing down to kiss the paws of their beloved leader.)