Thank God. It’s time for another CFL season, which unfortunately for you means another season of snarky comments and truly terrible predictions. Now it’s the start of the season, so we’re probably going to be a little worse on the predictions than usual. Much like the start of a sports comedy movie, we’ll flounder around here at the start and probably go 0 for 4 while knocking the head off of a metal cut out of a batter with a fastball.

Toronto v. Hamilton

The start of the year always brings on a flood of pundits claiming that this will be the year that “possibly, maybe” the Ticats will be better this season. This is always the easiest of predictions if they improve on the 3 wins from last year then you’re right, if they don’t... well they’re the Ticats. The question posed should be, how much will they improve?

It’s like if your friends have a dog and every time they bring the dog over it takes a dump on your rug. Then one day they bring the dog and it only spits up on your rug. Sure it’s better than crap, but it’s still dog vomit. And I guess that’s my prediction for the Ticats this year. Not quite crap, but still dog vomit.

Pick: Toronto

Montreal v. Calgary

Hey, a Grey Cup rematch to start the year, nice work scheduling committee.

It’s getting tougher and tougher to come up with anything new to say about the Alouettes. On the plus side for Argos fans, Anthony Calvillo and Ben Cahoon are now another year closer to mandatory retirement.

Pick: Calgary

Winnipeg v. Edmonton

Damn it, all of our favourite Bomber jokes are useless now. No Milt Stegall, No Little Hawk, No fake Greg Marshall... just an awful turn of events.

Frankly the Bombers are a complete enigma to me. They could finish in first in the East or in dead last and I wouldn’t be overly surprised by either result. Ok, maybe I’d be surprised if they finished first. We’ll see how Mike Kelly works out as the head man in the Peg, but it was nice to see the Bombers management keep to the golden rule of football: when you have the chance to sign a former consultant to NFL Films as your head coach, you have to do it. However, not hiring former NFL Films guest narrator Gary Busey as special teams coordinator/motivational speaker is a travesty.

Pick: Edmonton

BC v. Saskatchewan

Well at least with the departure of DJ Flick and the injury to Wayne Smith, Ticats fans can take solace in that trade for Rocky Butler now being somewhat even.

Pick: BC

Bonus Pick:
All of the Argos have been injured in practice, leaving Pinball to play the Ticats himself. Oddly though, the league has mandated that he plays the whole game in the same well tailored suit he showed up to the game in. How does Pinball do?

Boatmenblog Pick: Another easy win for Pinball. While the presence of a necktie helps the Ticat defenders a little, it’s not nearly enough. Pinball 567 Ticats 3 (because Nick Setta is actually pretty good).

* Everything we need to know about football analysis, we learned from early ‘90s SNL sketches.