Cowbell Jenny's

Search for the Next Spergon Wynn

This week: John Avery

Team: Toronto Argonauts

Position: Running Back

Height: 5' 10"

Weight: 185lbs

Sign: Capricorn - Ambitious and Humorous but Pessimistic and Grudging

Name Meaning: 'God is Gracious'

If you're the sort of girl (or a 22 year-old male intern) who enjoys being tied to a post while a guy pours fruit, vegetable, whipped cream and sugar on you, John's your guy.

But then, he also has some more wholesome appeal. If you're one of the many, many women who's fantasized about getting intimate with Pinball Clemons (who's married, devoutly religions and just about the last guy who'll ever stray from his wife) Avery is probably the closest you'll get - as evidenced by the Pinball impression he broke out for Brian Williams last week. If that doesn't get you going, nothing will.

Or maybe you're just normal, and looking for a mate who - in addition to the basic non-negotiable traits (good looks, sanity, a steady stream of income, a place of his own rather than a place on Mom's pull-out couch and the ability to go into Burger King without the manager calling the police) - can make you laugh. An amateur comedian who survived the stigma of playing in the XFL, when he's not on the field (which admittedly happens to be a fair amount lately), he can be found at your local comedy doing a pretty decent Ricky Williams impression. (It's really just his white-guy voice, but still.)

As an added bonus, you can marvel at his unique physique. According to Avery, unlike other babies afflicted with the genetic predisposition to exit the womb "chunky and round", he was abbed-up, entering the world with "pecs, shoulders, wide neck...everything". Just so long as he doesn't tear a hamstring muscle trying to entertain you, you're all set.

As promised, it's time to offer something for the many, many ladies who spend their days on football blogs looking for mates.

Before we move on to Bachelor # 1(note: I'm not 100% sure which of these guys are bachelors), "Mr. Edmonton", I should say that finding players worthy of this competition was a daunting task. If you've ever posed for a high school yearbook photo, you know it's next to impossible to look your best when forcing a smile in front of an unflattering vinyl backdrop - as evidenced by the unfortunate Alouettes.  Someone should have told them that without proper lighting, the equipment underneath their jerseys gave the unfortunate impression that most of them have a massive set of Double Ds under there. Just take a look at poor Etienne Boulay.

All this is a long way of saying that those of you who've seen a player in more flattering light and want to nominate him, you're encouraged to do so at boatmenblog@gmail.com. Or, if you're a player and you want to send me some photos of yourself, that's acceptable as well. In fact, it's encouraged.

With disclaimers in hand, without further ado....

Cowbell Jenny's

Search for the Next Spergon Wynn

This week: Richard Alston

Team: Edmonton Eskimos

Position: Wide Receiver

Height: 6'0"

Weight: 210lbs.

Sign: Scorpio - Powerful and passionate but Secretive and Obstinate

Name Meaning: "Strong Ruler"

If you're looking for a cultured gentleman caller, Richard is your man.

Having played for the Berlin Thunder, the former Cleveland Brown brings with him all the rich culture absorbed in NFL Europe. And speaking of culture, his favourite cartoon character is He-Man.

Okay, now here's the tricky part. When it comes time to dinner, you may want to pick up the cheque. And whatever you do, do not go to Burger King, where there's an excellent chance that his photo is up on the wall after some...unpleasantness. Hey, what economics major hasn't tried to pass off a counterfeit $100.00 bill (printed off a home computer, no less) during his carefree college days?

Seriously, an older and wiser Richard has looked good so far this year, on and off the field. So long as he doesn't get traded to Saskatchewan, I'm sure he'll stay out of trouble.